Wednesday, February 18, 2015

I Have No Idea What I’m Talking About

Good Morning! 

Hey you. Yeah you. Come on over here for a second, will you? Sure, grab a refill of coffee first, that's fine. But come back quick and click on over to me. Come on. Do it. You know you want to.

This super popular online news magazine gave me a forum to talk to you, and I couldn’t be happier about it. The headline of my article is click bait, and you're about to get fished in. See this headline? It's in the form of a question. That’s called Betteridge’s Law of Headlines. It says that any headline ending in a question mark can be answered with the word "no." 

But who cares that you know the answer already (to the extent there is an answer, which there is not). Read this anyway. Come on. Come on. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Click. Click. Click. Click. …

Oh there you are! Yay! Welcome to my screed! Who am I, you ask? Just put that out of your mind while you read what I wrote. All you need to know is that I am someone who thinks they are very smart and perhaps actually is. Regardless, my job and/or hobby is to propagate bullshit about various controversial topics and act like I know what I’m talking about. But the fact is, hahaha, that I actually have no idea (or at least not a very good idea) of what I’m talking about.

What should I write about today? Let’s see. There are so many choices. Should I go for broke on this one or be conservative? Big controversy or small? Let's see. 

Circumcision? Guns? Vaccines? Israel/Palestine? Climate Change? Abortion? Race/Class/Gender Inequality? Sexual Assault? Whether to put one or two spaces between sentences? The latest gadget from Apple and why it sucks/rocks? An anthropological dissection of Downton Abbey? So many choices, so little time in the 24 hour news cycle. 

Anyway, it doesn't really matter what I end up talking about, and it certainly doesn't matter that I actually have no idea what I'm talking about.

What matters most is that I say something incendiary that pisses half of you off and makes the other half jump vociferously and passionately to my defense. Then I get to read a thread of angry comments and respond with indignation as my bullshit (and the bullshit responses to my bullshit) continue to be re-posted everywhere and gain a life of their own as millions and millions of clicks and trolls and message boards and forums explode with the purported veracity or non-veracity of whatever it is I decided to write about today.

Gosh, you are so persistent! Who am I and what are my credentials? Like I said, never mind that. Rest assured, I have many relevant credentials. Like, I went to an Ivy League college and interned at The American Prospect and Talking Points Memo. I made some copies there and it was cool. I am at least 25. Possibly 30. Maybe even 40. I've been doing this for awhile now. I got in on the ground floor. 
I am also male. Actually female. Maybe even transgender. I am some religion or ethnicity. I am straight. Or actually maybe gay or bi. I was also president of the Young Democrats. Actually the Young Republicans. Or maybe it was the Libertarians.

Oh--I almost forgot. I also called a few people yesterday and skimmed a couple of studies to write this. And I cited some numbers and figures, too. Nothing says you know what you're talking about like citing to a bunch of statistics and debunking another bunch of statistics. Also I am a "regular contributor" and I live somewhere in America. Or Europe. Maybe even Asia. So the sheer regularity of my various contributions and my citizenship (whatever it is) make me highly credible. 

Scroll on down to the bottom of this article and see who I am. If you're lucky I'm a professor of something and I wrote a book. If you're not, I was the former managing editor of my Ivy League College newspaper or just a columnist for this website. Yeah I know people a zillion years older than me have devoted their entire lives to this issue that I just spent ten minutes telling you I'm the final authority on. But you should believe me anyway.

OK, fine. You got me. I actually have NO fucking idea what I'm talking about. But just forget about that and keep reading, forwarding, and sharing. Thanks!

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