Thursday, February 5, 2015

Six Bumper Stickers and Other Slogans I Hate/Will Never Understand

1. “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” Oh really asshole? I have a problem with your face, and the solution is to put my fist in it. Now get out of my way so I can mop up a bunch of bacon grease with a big fat roll of paper towels. Oh, and guess what? Today was Election Day and I forgot to vote! Go suck a dick.

2. “If it can’t be farmed, it must be mined.” This is one only people in Alaska will likely recognize, but I think it's supposed to be a piece of smart, pro-mining advocacy. The thing is that it’s stupid though, and that’s my problem with it. I don’t care that it promotes mining. I care about the tortured logic of the idea that the ONLY alternative to farming is mining. That is obviously not true. Farming and mining are simply not logical alternatives of each other. It makes it sound like the only two ways to produce or obtain anything is through farming or mining.

3. “My karma ran over your dogma.” I don’t even get what this means. I know it’s a pun, I got that far. But what is it trying to say? That my good vibes squashed your bad vibes? Good Grief. Go back to drinking your squash blossom, wheat grass, and heirloom coriander smoothie and leave me the fuck alone!

4. “S/he died doing what s/he loved.” This is usually reserved for people who die doing something unnecessary like flying small aircraft for fun or hang-gliding or big wave surfing or extreme skiing. I don’t get it though. Yes, I get that the person was in the middle of doing something extremely reckless, that they generally enjoyed, at the moment they died. But I guarantee that they did not love an avalanche crammed into every orifice of their body or being pounded mercilessly to death against the sharp rocks of a vast coral reef. Sorry, they did not “die doing what they loved.”

5. "Everything happens for a reason.” Um. No it doesn’t. End of story. I read somewhere too, “and sometimes the reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.” Now, THAT is true. However, it is also true that sometimes things happen for ZERO reason!

6. “My other car is a broomstick.” Oh, you are a bitch/witch! I get it. Move over, and watch out, ‘cause this is one tough lady driving this Dodge Minivan and drinking a Venti Frappuccino from Starbucks! Please.

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