Monday, February 2, 2015

If I Don’t Get a Rice Krispies Treat from the Basement Vending Machine Right Now, Someone’s Gonna Get Hurt

Honestly, it's as simple as that. I really don’t know how else to say it, so let me be perfectly clear.

It’s almost 3:00 p.m., (OK, fine, it’s not even 1:00). But if I don’t get a Rice Krispies Treat from the basement vending machine right now, someone is gonna get hurt.

If I can’t scrounge up $1.50 and find the wherewithal to stand up out of my chair, go down the hall to the elevator, and push “G” so that I can stick a dollar bill and two quarters into a slot, press C03/OK, and watch a little springy coil push out a processed sugar sponge for me to cram into my craw as fast as possible right now, someone will feel the pain.

Remember that scene in Carlito's Way? The one where Al Pacino says, “YOU THINK YOU BIG TIME!? YOU GONNA DIE BIG TIME!!” And also that part where he says, "HERE COMES THE PAIN!!!"

Well, that’s exactly what I plan to say to anyone who would stand between me and my 3:00 p.m./1:00 p.m./right now- processed sugar sponge. I'm gonna go full Pacino in Carlito's Way. I will snap, crackle, and pop a cap in the ass of the first person who tries to tell me I can't get a Rice Krispies Treat from the basement vending machine right now.

Update: Thank God. They had it. I found $1.50 in quarters in my purse between some spilled-out Claritin and two unwrapped tampons, and I got the very last sugar sponge in the whole machine! It says 250 calories per bar, but it doesn't really say if this is one bar or three. Whatever. I don't care. 

Lululemon can suck my dick. That processed sugar sponge just went down in three bites and I am chasing it with a cup of shitty coffee from the fifth floor break room.


The people around me will now live to see another day. But more importantly, my readers will live to see another blog post, as I will not be going to prison for felony assault or attempted murder after all. Or not today, anyway.

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