Monday, February 9, 2015

My Second Advice Column: Dear “B.W.”

Welcome to the second installment in the One Hot Mess advice column feature.

Dear One Hot Mess:

I’m in a bit of a pickle, and since you’re one hot mess of a disaster yourself, I’m hoping you can help me out of it. 

I’m a pretty famous broadcast journalist who has recently fucked up pretty huge. I don’t want to tell you my real name, because I’m trying to protect my identity here, but let’s just say it begins with a “B” and ends with a “Rian Williams” and I’m on network TV every night. Specifically that network with the little rainbow peacock logo that starts with an “N” and ends with a “BC.”

In any case, it seems I’ve failed to follow that "best policy" known as "honesty," in that it’s recently come to light that I sort of maybe stretched the truth a little teeny tiny bit about how much of a bad-ass I am. Like, I sort of maybe kind of said I was almost shot down in a helicopter and tripped over dead bodies all over the bayou during Hurricane Katrina and got held up at gunpoint in New Jersey back in 1975 and maybe like a bunch of other stuff that maybe kinda sorta actually didn’t really happen EXACTLY the way I said it did.

The thing is, it’s totally unfair though! Because the entire industry I work for sanctions, perpetuates, relies upon, and trafficks in lies, bullshit, misinformation, embellishments, exaggerations, snap judgments, ratings-grabs, and click bait, thereby making it physically and financially impossible to be a decent journalist with honesty or integrity, because those people don't exist anymore and if even if they did, they would never get any ratings. I was just doing my job and it is TOTES unfair that NBC is throwing me under the proverbial bus for the systemic failures of modern television journalism and playing the game of the 24-hour news cycle that they have set me up to play and indeed told me to play all this time!

Now they are making me take it up the ass with a public apology and go on a paid vacation to Turks & Caicos until all of this dies down. I want to keep my job and save my reputation, but I also want to stand up for myself. What should I do?



Dear B.W.:

I'll keep this short and sweet. Whoever said “honesty is the best policy” is a fucking liar. Moreover, that person never made ten million dollars a year. You don’t make ten million dollars a year following that policy! Psssh. Everyone knows that! You don’t get your face all over TV for being a "good guy" and a "journalist" and "fact-checking" and telling the "truth."

Listen my friend. Here's another expression you might've heard of: You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette. In this case, the eggs are the soldiers and the disaster victims and the other innocent subjects of your highly suspect reporting and the omelette is the delicious, piping-hot ratings you served up in a skillet for NBC. And now they have the nerve to make you say "Soweeeeee 'Merica" and send you on a paid vacation to Turks & Cacos? Tell them to suck it and find themselves another short-order omelette cook.


One Hot Mess.

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