Thursday, February 26, 2015

15 Things I'd Like to Crush and Then Snort Up My Nose

Before you judge the title here, I encourage you to read a recent article from The HUFFington Post (Badum-dum-KSH!) about snorting chocolate up your nose.

In case you don't feel like doing that, let me summarize it for you: according to the fine chocolatiers of Europe and Canada, the only TRUE and sophisticated way to "taste" and appreciate fine chocolate is by doing a line of cocoa powder off a glass table like you was Wesley Snipes in "New Jack City."

Naturally, this brought to mind the many other sensory experiences that I personally think could be enhanced simply by crushing something up and and snorting it up your nose.

I came up with the following 15 things:

1. Gasoline
2. New car smell
3. Own farts
4. Baby-head skin flakes
5. Franks Red Hot buffalo wing sauce
6. Nestlé Toll House cookie dough
7. Old books
8. Old Spice for Men
9. Dry erase markers
10. Bacon
11. Kettle Corn
12. Fried Twinkies
13. Earring cheese
14. Guacamole
15. Debbie Gibson's "Electric Youth."

Before you go on with your day, I highly recommend that you go out, procure one of these substances, pulverize it into a fine and dehydrated powder, roll up a dollar bill, and snort that shit like it was your last hit of crack before going in for 20 years of hard time upstate.

You heard it here first, people.

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