Tuesday, February 10, 2015

If Only I Were Sufficiently Well-Adjusted to Withstand the Force ofAwesomeness that is Amal Alamuddin Clooney

Recently, I added a stranger named Steph Davis to the illustrious list of reasons to hate myself (See prior post titled: "I Don't Know Who Steph Davis Is, But I Know She Makes Me Hate Myself.").

Tonight, I can only hazard a guess as to how different life would be if only I were sufficiently well-adjusted to withstand the force of awesomeness that is Amal Alamuddin Clooney. 

Indeed, only if Amal Alamuddin Clooney began scaling a sheer cliff face with some dreadlocked hippie on belay behind her ala Steph Davis could she be any more forcefully awesome than she is already.

In addition to all the conventional reasons that our misogynistic patriarchal society would immediately tell you Amal Alamuddin Clooney is awesome, (rich, beautiful, married to a famous movie star, blah blah blah), she is also--BY THE FUCKING WAY--some sort of genius summa cum laude citizen du monde, Oxford-educated international human rights lawyer with a completely-obscene-resume-that-I-could-never-hope-to-achieve-in-my-wildest-pipe-dreams-and-am-way-too-old-to-try-at the ripe old age of ONE FUCKING YEAR YOUNGER THAN ME.

Ok, I give up. Stop the world, I want to get off. 

If only I were sufficiently well-adjusted to withstand the force of complete and total awesomeness that is Amal Alamuddin Clooney, life could go humming merrily along. 

But alas. The sheer force and power of Amal Alamuddin Clooney's pedigree, resume, and achievements have pulverized my soul into tiny, subatomic, infinitesimal particles of bazillion-year old intergalactic cosmic dust.

But there's hope! (No, No. Not based on the fact that she's probably naturally as hairy as I am, though that helps).

Since all matter is infinite, perhaps I will rise to the level of Amal Alamuddin Clooney's awesomeness centuries from now, in a re-incarnated state. Like, maybe as the Prime Minister of Argentina married to the 23rd century equivalent of Ben Affleck, I am guessing?


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