Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Dear Punk-Ass Teenager in a Big-Ass Truck

Dear Punk-Ass Teenager in a Big-Ass Truck,

I’m a cranky old lady, and I am here to tell you to get off my lawn!

Well, not literally off my lawn, although come to think of it your truck is so big that there is probably at least one tire of it on my lawn (what little lawn I have, anyway, since I live on a hill).

I know you think you’re pretty cool, not to mention invincible. After all, you’re "driving" (and I use that term generously) a giant, obnoxious, tricked-out, gas-guzzling truck on a lift kit with a sticker of Calvin pissing on Hobbes pissing on whatever football team you don’t like and an “Alaska Slednecks Kick Ass” decal on the back window, blasting terrible music that not even I recognize (and I listen to a lot of terrible music).


But you need to know that you’re a really bad driver. Like, really bad. You obviously just got your driver’s license yesterday, and I can't understand how the DMV even gave you a driver's license in the first place. Seriously I’m about to write down your license plate number and track down your mother. Get off your cell phone, put down that can of Red Bull, get your hair out from over your eyes and under your Volcom hat, and stop passing people on a double yellow while going mock 50 and giving everyone the finger. In fact, you better put that finger away before I come over there, crack a piece of metal off the front grill of your truck, and use it to break your finger. (It will never rise again, I promise).

You also need to quit honking, especially since you’re the one blocking an entire street and no one can get past you. You might also think about learning to park and/or maneuver a vehicle like that before you start driving it down the narrow one-way streets of Juneau. 

Basically I'm gonna make your dad come down here and shove you into the passenger seat and you're not going to see the inside of that rig until you're at least old enough to rent it, which would be 25. Forget about prom and impressing girls in that piece of shit. Your ass is mine now. I own you.

Sincerely,

Cranky Old Lady with Two Kids Who Will Not Have Her Entire Family Taken Out by the Likes of Your Stupid Punk-Ass.

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