Monday, March 21, 2016

Excuse Me, Are You Pregnant?

Excuse me . . . I couldn't help but notice: Are you pregnant? Oh haha! What a relief! You never know. For a minute I wondered if you were just smuggling a basketball under your shirt for some inconceivable reason, or were maybe just fat and carrying all your weight in a round basketball shape on your abdomen. But I'm glad I took the risk of asking you, and I'm glad the answer is yes, because in addition to the awkwardness of a "no" response to this arguably intrusive question from a stranger, I have lots of valuable advice to offer on the topic of pregnancy that you truly should not go without.

Am I a doctor, nurse, midwife, doula, or other maternity-based health care professional? No, no. Of course not. I'm just a nosy person who, like half the population of planet earth, has biological children that emerged from my uterus some time ago, thus making me uniquely qualified to momsplain the remainder of your pregnancy.

Do you have a birth plan? God, I hope so. And I hope you're having a home birth, or at least a birth center birth. The birth-industrial complex is completely corrupt and they are trying to murder you and your baby with all sorts of unnecessary interventions. Unless of course you have an emergency requiring some sort of intervention, in which case you'll be glad you live near a hospital and you should get there immediately. Whatever you do though, do NOT consent to a C-section. Unless of course the baby's heart rate is dropping precipitously. Then of course you should have a C-section.

Let's see . . . what have I left out? Ah yes. Me! Well, with my first baby, I had a home water birth, then with my second I had a birth center vaginal birth, then with my third I had a planned C-section although it started out as a midwife-assisted hospital birth. Come to think of it, forget what I just said. You'd be crazy to have a home birth. Completely irresponsible. I don't understand women who put their lives and their babies' lives in jeopardy like that. I seriously hope you're not considering something that crazy.

Basically what I'm saying is I'm a complete stranger offering you entirely unsolicited, inconsistent, and unwelcome advice, but I'm confident this is some unique perspective you could get nowhere else, and certainly not in the aisle of this Whole Foods where we're standing now. Speaking of which, I don't see neonatal vitamins in your shopping cart. That could be a huge problem.

Have you decided what you're doing about breast feeding?

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