Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Alaska Has 99 Problems, But Finding $288 Million in Savings Under the Mattress Ain't One

Alaska has 99 problems, but per a recent news report in the Alaska Dispatch Newsfinding $288 million in savings under its proverbial mattress is no longer one of them. Please see this list for reference:

Alaska's Problems #1-99

1. Hippies
2. Red/sled necks
3. Oil-based banana republics
4. Dansko clogs
5. Too much snow
6. Too little snow
7. Inexplicably hostile and self-righteous Alaska Dispatch News commenters
8. Hard-to-reach capital
9. Capitol building that vaguely resembles converted sewage treatment plant/insane asylum from outside
10. Tax structure
11. High rates of suicide, sexual assault, alcoholism, FASD, and tuberculosis
12. Rural/urban poverty
13. Punishing construction season
14. Too many potlucks
15. Too few potlucks
16. Scary planes
17. $11/gallon milk
18. No good bagels
19. Or pizza, LBH
20. Turnagain Arm between Anchorage and Girdwood in winter
21. Turnagain Arm between Anchorage and Girdwood in summer
22. Climate change
23. Too many tourists
23. Too few tourists
24. Cruise ship waste water disposal and head tax
25. Precarious financial situation
26. Paywall on Juneau Empire website
27. Honeybuckets
28. Eagles and ravens in garbage
29. Bears in garbage
30. Moose in garbage
31. Garbage in general
32. Mosquitoes
33. Frequent failure to appreciate satire
33. Overcrowded, underfunded schools
34. This blog
35. Palin fatigue
36. JOBS!
37. Reverberating effects of cultural genocide
38. Extra shipping
39. Hard to find on map despite size
40. Brain drain
41. High cost of living
42. Waxy tomatoes
43. Prevalent bad grammar
44. Too many guns
45. Too few guns
46. Bridges to nowhere
47. Bridges to somewhere
48. Mountains named after cheechakos
49. Census areas named after confederate generals
50. Not enough dogs named after rivers
51. Too many dogs named after rivers
52. Too few kids named after mountains and lakes
53. Too many kids named after mountains and lakes
54. Dog hair and turds, all day, e'rr day
55. Cottonwoods
56. Spruce Bark Beetles
57. Rats on Adak
58. Invasive weeds
59. Marijuana culture wars
60. Starfish wasting disease
61. Orphaned baby seals
62. Mercury
63. Paralytic Shellfish Poisoning
64. Spotty WiFi and cell service
65. Too much reality TV
66. Too little reality TV
67. Bad drivers
68. Dead hot tub on top of blue tarp at bottom of my driveway
69. Dead snow blower under blue tarp at bottom of my driveway
70. My driveway in general
71. Melting glaciers
72. Combat fishing
73. Fish wars
74. Too many open pit mines
75. Not enough open pit mines
76. Too many trees
77. Not enough trees
78. Too many roads
79. Too few roads
80. Federal overreach
81. Federal reach-around
82. Too many vaccines
83. Not enough vaccines
84. Meth
85. Opiates
86. Gravel embedded in your windshield
87. Moose + vehicle = bummer
88. Mold
89. God, but the mold
90. No-see-ems
91. Unclean wood-burning stoves
92. Frozen pipes
93. Putin's head/proximity to Russia
94. Things freezing when they're supposed to be thawing
95. Things thawing when they're supposed to be freezing
96. Typoes and mispellings everywehre
97. Historically high levels of political corruption
98. High heels on ice
99. The aforementioned 98 problems, incorporated by reference into one big problem #99
100. Finding $288 million in savings under the mattress.

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