Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Zero Fucks Given Wednesday

Black Friday. Cyber Monday. Giving Tuesday. 

Almost every day of the week after Thanksgiving has now been claimed by a marketing gimmick of some kind, created by shadowy commercial forces that no one can seem to identify. Their directive to America is clear: trample your fellow humans to grab a flat screen TV at WalMart on Friday; buy a vegetable steamer on Amazon the following Monday; and give a few bucks to charity on Tuesday.

Here's the good news though: Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday are still available!

Since Saturday and Sunday are the Lord's Days of Rest (in the Judeo-Christian tradition at least), and Thursday is sort of the new Friday, I hereby claim the Wednesday after Thanksgiving as Zero Fucks Given Wednesday (ZFGW for short). 

Zero Fucks Given Wednesday--intended to honor either (a) complete resignation to our basest human impulses; or, conversely (b) an act of profound conscientious objection--will be represented on social media with the hashtag #ZeroFucksGivenWednesday, and it calls upon the American populace to take and publicize various small gestures implying the giving of zero fucks.  

Historically, total badasses like Rosa Parks, Che Guevara, and Aung San Suu Kyi gave zero fucks, but the time for awesome zero-fuck-giving like that is over, and now all we have is Julian Assange, Donald Trump, and Anonymous.

But that's OK, because Zero Fucks Given Wednesday leaves tons of room for creativity, which is what makes the day so special. Everyone has a different idea of how to imbue this day with meaning. There's no right or wrong way to give zero fucks on Zero Fucks Given Wednesday. 

Here are just a few imagined examples of ZFGW Tweets:
  • Reading Hustler on downtown 6 train at rush hour in plain sight. #ZeroFucksGivenWednesday.
  • Just used the last of someone else's coffee mate in the work refrigerator. #ZeroFucksGivenWednesday.
  • Smoking weed and tripping on shrooms on the back porch of my grandma's house. #ZeroFucksGivenWednesday.
  • Told parents of kid at birthday party that they need to hurry up and bust out the cake already because it's all anyone care's about. #ZeroFucksGivenWednesday.
  • Mark Zuckerberg gave 99% of his Facebook shares to charity and we're all supposed to suck his dick now because he's the tech bro version of Mother Theresa who still has a zillion dollars left to survive on? Um, no. #ZeroFucksGivenWednesday.
  • Sending everyone to voicemail and deleting every text and email. #ZeroFucksGivenWednesday.
  • Yelling at someone else's kid because they're a little asshole just like their parents. #ZeroFucksGivenWednesday.

How will YOU celebrate Zero Fucks Given Wednesday?

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