Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Potty and Peenie Talk from The Putative Leader of the Free World

I don't know if you guys have been following "schlong-gate" and/or "bathroom-gate," but they are quite possibly the two best gates of 2015, and just under the wire too with 2016 fast approaching.

As reported on CNN and elsewhere, Donald Trump has now lowered the bar of 'Murican political discourse further than anyone thought possible when he said Hillary Clinton got "schlonged" (i.e. Yiddish for "penis") in her last campaign, and declared it "disgusting" that she was late returning to the debate stage because she needed to go potty and the bathroom was far away.

Only someone as CUH-LASSAY as the bright orange, gold-plated D. Trizzle and his blinding white veneers could put dicks and pee at issue in a bid for the White House. (Side bar: why can't a billionaire buy a better grill? Boyfriend looks like he goes to the same dentist as Gary Busey).

So to recap: Basically my five year-old son could be running for President. The only difference is The Donald has more money, worse teeth, and emulates Hitler constantly, as opposed to only when he wants to wrest control of the iPad.

Donald Trump knows a LOT about women. After all, he's married several and paraded hundreds of them across a stage in a beauty pageant. He also knows a lot about Jews, because they've counted all his money in their little yarmulkes. 

But apparently he doesn't realize women pee, and he obviously doesn't care that telling the Secretary of State that she got penised in 2008 makes him sound like a preschooler.

Well, since I'm both a Jew and a woman who plans to read Donald Trump's forthcoming biography, "Donald Trump: How the Gentiles' Biggest Dick Schlonged a Nation," I have a vested interest in discerning exactly what he knows about Jews and women. 

Therefore I'm giving The Donald this short pop quiz to see if he's got what it takes to garner the vote of the female, Jewish, and Jewish-female demographic.

1. Why do women make pee-pee in the potty so much?

(a) Their babies permanently weakened their bladders.
(b) They want to make Donald Trump nauseous.
(c) They don't like wearing diapers after age 3.
(d) Their period comes out of the same "whatever" as their pee-pee and they have to check all the time to make sure they don't have blood coming out of their "whatevers."

2. What is a placenta?

(a) A town in California.
(b) Part of Cuba.
(c) An obscure Mexican currency.
(d) Something a baby gets plugged into inside its mommy's tummy.

3. Which of the following are NOT Kosher?

(a) Gefilte fish.
(b) Bacon cheeseburgers.
(c) Crab cakes.
(d) Both (b) and (c).

4. Where is a woman's "whatever?"

(a) Somewhere below her waist.
(b) On a yacht.
(c) In the feminine hygiene aisle at Wal-Greens.
(d) On TV.

5. What is a woman's "whatever?"

(a) The hole where her pee-pee comes out.
(b) The hole where her period comes out.
(c) The hole where her poo-poo comes out.
(d) The hole where her words come out.

6. When does blood come out of a woman's "whatever?"

(a) Every 28 days.
(b) Never if she has an IUD.
(c) When she has cancer of the whatever.
(d) All of the above.

7. What is a "golden shower?"

(a) The color of Donald Trump's hair dye.
(b) The color of paint used in Donald Trump's casinos.
(c) A sex move where people urinate on each other.
(d) One of those wind tunnels where you win the opportunity to stand in it for two minutes and grab a bunch of money that's flying around.

8. What is a matzoh ball?

(a) A starchy dumpling often placed in chicken broth.
(b) A Jewish man's testicles.
(c) A gala for Jews.
(d) Something Jewish women like to do in bed.

9. Why is there always a longer line for the women's restroom?

(a) It's cleaner and they give out free mints in there.
(b) Men designed the building.
(c) For some weird reason, women like to go to the bathroom in groups.
(d) All of the above.

10. What is the main purpose of a woman's boobies?

(a) To make milk for babies.
(b) To be in a bikini in Donald Trump's pageant.
(c) To appear in Playboy and Hustler as masturbation material for men.
(d) To provide a surface for Donald Trump to sign his autograph at a campaign stop.

11. Why do some women nurse their babies in public?

(a) Because they're dirty hippies.

(b) Because their babies are hungry.
(c) Because they want to disgust Donald Trump.
(d) Because otherwise their boobies might explode and spray everyone in the face with hot, gross breast milk.

12. Why are women so gross?

(a) Because they're always making pee-pee and poo-poo.
(b) Because they have blood coming out of their whatevers all the time.
(c) Because some of them aren't in beauty pageants.
(d) Because they won't stop talking and saying big words Donald Trump doesn't understand.

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