Wednesday, December 9, 2015

The One Hot Mess Gift Guide: 12 Products You Can't Live Without This Holiday Season

Occasionally readers will send me products they would like me to review or comment upon. I've been collecting these--and researching some of my own--for a post to coincide with the Christmahannakwanzikah season. 

If you're still cramming to get your holiday shopping done, then you're in luck, because One Hot Mess and its readers have exactly what you need for everyone on your list this year! 

Below are twelve great products for the Twelve Days of Christmahannakwanizah. Don't sleep on these--get yours now, while supplies last!

1. The Manimal G-string ($6.29 used on eBay): Because it's not enough to get a new banana hammock that makes your pecker look like a puppy or a mallard duck. You want that mofo used. If you buy and/or wear this, I can promise you one thing: you will instantly be winning at life. (Egregiously photoshopped legs and abs sold separately).


2. Crochet Man-Shorts ($68 on Etsy): These one-of-a-kind hipster man shorts look like your grandma's afghan and smell like the couch cushions in a frat house, but they unveil the sexiest of all erogenous zones: a man's glaring white knee.

3. Creepy Statue of Kids Down Hill Tubing, ($189 on Skymall): I have no idea what this is made of, but it looks like Elsa from Frozen zapped a couple of kids into a cryogenic state of adorbs and stuck them on your lawn. They sort of remind me of that scene in Weird Science where Kelly LeBrock freezes Wyatt's grandparents in a closet in suspended animation so they won't bust up his house party. (Sorry: this item not available for shipment to Alaska where it still actually snows sometimes).

4. Polar Fleece Adult Footie Sponge Bob Square Pants Pajamas ($49.95 on Skymall): For the woman with a creepy Mary Kay LeTourneau little boy fetish and the adult man who loves her. Get him a pair of these adult Sponge Bob Square Pants footie pajamas. As Sponge Bob Would Say: "I'm ready!!!!"

5. Human Bowling Ball Set ($5,500 from Hammacher Schlemmer): Savings accounts are for the poors and the normals. That's why you should drain yours today and drop six large on this human bowling ball set. Why do your kids need college tuition when they can run like hamsters in a plastic ball on your front lawn?

6. The Lady Elegance P-Ez Female Urinal ($5.29 on Amazon): Anything called "Lady Elegance" which promises that you will "P" "EZ" is simply irresistible! This uber-classy silicone pee funnel makes peeing on the go easy for chicks without dicks.

7. Agoraphobic Snuggie (Price and Source Unknown): I don't know where to find this, but I need it in my life: for escaping punishing meetings, raucous children, and generalized depression. Also because I want to look like Q-bert's favorite MILF. I'm pretty sure that's a vodka gimlet in her hand, b-t-dubs. 

8. Meatball Flavored Bubble Gum, Hearty Italian Style ($3.99 British Pounds from England): One thing that's always made me supes sad about meatballs is how fast they're over. They are so delicious--and yet so fleeting--in parmesean, pizza, or submarine sandwich form. That's why there's this Hearty Italian Style Meatball Bubble Gum. Chew on this and you can keep the taste of meatballs in your mouth 24/7!

9. Croc-Shaped Cat Bed ($99.95 on Amazon): Whether you own a cat or not, you need this cat croc bed. It's hard to say which I hate more: cats or Crocs. One makes me sneeze to the point of death, and the other is a hideous zombie fad that refuses to die. Yet put them together, and somehow you have the best gift ever. In this case, two wrongs really do make a right.

10. Bacon-Flavored Brogurt "Yogurt for Men" (Price and source unknown): And speaking of cats, regular, non-meat flavored yogurt is for pussies. That's why you need to buy bacon-flavored brogurt for the bro in your life who has heretofore felt too emasculated to eat strawberry Yoplait.

11. Refrigerated Watermelon Stroller ($225 from Japanese Company Joybond): We ALL know someone who eats and transports individual watermelons often enough to need a refrigerated watermelon stroller. Finally, someone in Japan invented some next-level shit for that all-too-common person.

watermelon stroller

12. Beach Bum White Guy Dreadlocks Wig ($19.95 on Amazon): Be the (questionably racist) envy of everyone on the beach in this dreadlocks wig for white dudes. This super authentic looking mop of polyester will make you look exactly like Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons. You will definitely get laid wearing this. Just don't let her touch it.

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