Thursday, December 10, 2015

12 Alaskan Unicorns

And when I say "Alaskan Unicorn," I'm not talking about the sex move, which I didn't know existed until I Googled the term "Alaskan Unicorn" and discovered what it allegedly meant on Urban Dictionary. It's too foul to repeat here, and those who know me know that's saying a lot. Like, a LOT a lot.

Anyhoo, I'm talking about those things in Alaska that are rare. So rare, that they can only be referred to as unicorns. 

Alaskan Unicorns.

Here they are:

1. Someone in the Lower-48 who meets you for the first time and doesn't ask you about Sarah Palin, Russia, and/or igloos.

2. An empty table at Snow City Cafe at 10:00 a.m. on a Sunday in June.

3. A trip from Juneau to the east coast in winter with no weather delays or "mechanicals."

4. Turnagain Arm devoid of RV traffic on July 4 weekend.

5. A female legislative aide age 20-35 wearing sensible shoes.

6. Waiting at the gate in SEA/TAC and not seeing at least one person you recognize.

7. An event featuring food that isn't also a potluck.

8. Standing in a room of 30 professionals not one of whom is a lawyer or works for an environmental nonprofit.

9. A person with (an obviously gigantic) penis driving something other than a souped-up Ford, Chevy, or Toyota truck.

10. #9 who's never gotten a DUI.

11. Sixteen inches of fresh powder overnight followed by a bluebird morning in Juneau.

12.  The aurora actually coming out when someone's visiting who has never seen it before.

BONUS UNICORN: Functionally sober, gainfully employed romantic prospect whom no one you know has dated already.

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