Sunday, December 13, 2015

I'm Sad American Apparel is Going Down the Tubes Because it Was the Only Retailer That Truly Loved Pubes

I'm also a poet and I didn't even know it. 

For realsies though, I got a minor case of the sads when I heard that struggling clothing retailer American Apparel was hanging on by a thread (or more aptly a pube) because back in 2014, they managed to break the Interwebs by putting this in the window of their Brooklyn store:

Yes, American Apparel once rocked the fashion universe by exposing the shocking fact that grown women don't actually have an expanse of flesh-colored Barbie plastic between their legs, but instead are oftentimes featuring a black Chia Pet and weird 80's hipster librarian glasses.

I wasn't so much blown away by this revelation as I was by the fact that someone was willing to admit it. After all, I did two (and only two) things with Barbie dolls as a kid: (1) chopped off all their hair and dyed it with green food coloring until they looked like hot butch lesbians at an open mic night at CBGB; and (2) mindlessly chewed on their feet while watching Little House on the Prairie and Santa Barbara until their toes became flat little webbed duck flippers.

That's why I'm rooting for this store to succeed despite the odds: Any fashion icon that wants to tell the world that being a hairy crotch beast is a runway-ready look is alright by me.

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