Saturday, December 12, 2015

O.H.M. Weekend Parenting Quiz

1. Your kids wake up at 5:30 a.m. and ask you to get up to play with them and make them breakfast. You:

(a) Hop out of bed and immediately and cheerfully oblige.

(b) Mumble that it's 5:30 a.m. and tell them to go watch TV and eat cereal by themselves.
(c) Roll over and proceed to sleep for three more hours in blissful ignorance of what they're doing in the next room.
(d) Both (b) and (c).

2. Your kids have a screaming fight over toy cars in which your 5 year-old son announces to his 8 year-old sister (who has just scratched his neck) that "this hurts me more than it hurts you." You:

(a) Intervene by parenting with love and logic.
(b) Intervene using 1-2-3 Magic.
(c) Laugh and let them claw each other to pieces while surreptitiously and selfishly assembling the Lego Heartlake Grand Hotel that's supposed to be reserved for your 8 year-old to work on.
(d) Walk out of the room and pretend this isn't happening.

3. It's finally snowing enough to go skiing. You:

(a) Are totally prepared, load up all the gear, and drive to the hill while singing songs in the car.
(b) Are totally unprepared and make them go sledding on the half-inch of snow in the driveway.
(c) Make 16 cups of coffee and dump 4 oz of Bailey's Carolyn's in the first cup.
(d) Both (b) and (c).

4. Your 5 year-old son refuses to wear underpants, saying he's going to "free-ball it." How do you respond?

(a) You laugh and post the quote on Facebook.
(b) You kindly ask him to wear underpants.
(c) You tell him he's going to get shit streaks in his pants and he should care about that.
(d) Both (a) and (c).

5. You look at the clock and it's 12:00 noon. What do you say to yourself?

(a) "My, my! Time sure flies when you're having fun!"
(b) "Wow, it's noon already?"
(c) "I cherish these moments."
(d) "How can it only be noon? What the fuck am I going to do with them for the rest of the day?"

6. Your kids and their friend want to go to open swim at the pool in an hour. What do you do?

(a) Pack their swim bag and say you can't wait to go.
(b) Hide in your bedroom and read about Justin Bieber on Twitter.
(c) Fantasize about being done with open swim before it even starts.
(d) Both (b) and (c).

7. Your 5 year-old spills a giant mug of hot chocolate all over the kitchen counter because he was screwing around with a spoon for no reason. How do you handle it?

(a) Scream "DUDE!!! WHAT THE FUCKOVER!??!"
(b) Guide him gently over to the spill and help him clean it up.
(c) Sigh and watch him throw himself on the floor in an epic tantrum.
(d) Both (a) and (c).

8.  You get "dressed" for the day. What are you wearing?

(a) Actual pajamas.
(b) Black fleece pants and a sweatshirt.
(c) Jeans and a nice top with scarf.
(d) No bra.

9. It's now 1:00 p.m. What are you most looking forward to for the rest of the day?

(a) Cherishing the next seven hours making memories with your children.
(b) Feeling guilty for insufficient weekend cherishing and memory-making.
(c) Counting the moments until they're in bed and you can get a mighty buzz on.
(d) Both (b) and (c).

10. You and your kids are doing Hanukkah presentations for their classrooms. What happens next?

(a) You make zero latkes and do zero planning, delegating the entire thing to their father.
(b) You snicker under your breath as your 5 year-old son explains the story of Hanukkah by asking four Christian kids sitting in a circle, "Does anyone know what MURDER means?"
(c) You eat as many latkes as possible, as quickly as possible, thus jeopardizing the latke supply for all the children.
(d) All of the above.

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