To My Valued Investors:
By now you've probably heard that the FBI arrested me this morning at my Midtown Manhattan apartment on charges of securities fraud.
I've got to make this quick, because they only gave me one phone call, and I used it to broker one last trade that I can assure you will pay HUGE dividends: I've recently acquired the rights to Restol, a little-known drug used to cure Restless Leg Syndrome. I raised the price from $1.50 a pill to $800.00 a pill overnight! Wait until you see the returns on this strategy. It's Hedge Fund Shadiness 101 that nothing produces results like playing the global pharmaceuticals market as though it were my own personal casino, using the lives of AIDS babies as leverage. The only bummer is that no AIDS babies will die this time, although their legs might shake a little extra hard.
But I digress, so please allow me to address the events of this morning.
First let me say that these charges are bogus. They're just another example of the commie pigs who run our government and the ignorant public sheep who elect them misunderstanding my entrepreneurial and bio-medical genius. A genius, I might add, that no one but you, me, and other persecuted, marginalized, and misunderstood white collar felons that have gone valiantly before me can appreciate. I'm talking about our movement's heroes: Martha Stewart, Bernie Madoff, and Gordon Gecko--the junk bond king from the '80's so ably played by Michael Douglas in Wall Street.
Fortunately this is America, where it's innocent until proven guilty unless you're poor, black, young, and wearing a hoodie, in which case you can count on being executed by a rent-a-cop firing squad at point blank range two blocks from your house after your Snickers bar is allegedly mistaken for an AK-47. Also fortunately though, I'm rich (thanks to you), white (thanks to my parents), young (also thanks to my parents), and wearing a hoodie (thanks to American Apparel and my dope perp-walk style).
So I'm confident justice will be served and I will be cleared of all charges.
My critics will say Karma's a bitch, and some might even say that I too will be somebody's bitch in prison, what with my "elfin good looks" and the "ass of a ten year-old boy," as the "bears" in "the system" like to say.
That remains to be seen.
But I hear federal prison is fertile ground for illegal fences, shell companies in license plate-making, and lucrative black markets in cigarettes, shivs, porno mags, and other contraband. So I know that no matter what happens, I'll fit right in.
Later today, I expect to be released on bail generously paid for on Kurt Cobain's credit card using Bitcoin fronted by fellow capitalist twin douchebags Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss. Frankly, I could use a hot shower and a spicy tuna roll from Nobu since they only give you bologna and Kraft singles on Wonder bread in Manhattan Central Booking.
Just so you know though, I plan to document my entire trial on YouTube and Twitter, so stay tuned to social media for minute-by-minute updates.
Very Truly Yours,
Martin Shrkreli, CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals and King of All Satan's Pharma Bro$
P.S. If I do get convicted, please see to it that the rare Wu-Tang album I just acquired is kept in a temperature-controlled, hermetically-sealed vault. Thanks.
Photo Andrew Burton/Getty Images