Biggie Smalls said it a long time ago: Mo' Money, Mo' Problems. And ain't that the truth.
'Cause while most ballers and shot-callers in Juneau are rollin' up in a brand new whip that their bae just bought them for Christmas--like a 2016 Benz on 24-inch rims and a hydraulic lift kit all wrapped up in a big red bow and gifted to them in their circular driveway with a "tada!" flourish of a lifted blindfold--I roll DEEP in this tricked-out 2005 Subaru Forester.
That's right, BITCHES! Do NOT disrupt my flow! I'm strapped up with a 16 oz moldy Contigo travel mug of lukewarm re-heated coffee and ready to bust skulls ALL DAY, ERR DAY. Here are just some of the sick features of this ride:
- 125,000 miles and counting
- Upside down T-shaped crack spreading across entire front windshield
- Peeling faux-leather seats
- Missing front passenger-side floor mats
- Black mold embedded in every seat belt
- Shocks that let you feel every single piece of gravel you drive over
- Climate control system that results in ice and snow INSIDE the vehicle (see photo)
- Whisper-quiet ride in which you hear the wind whistling through every loose joint
- Latch of back hatch broken to the point that whole back storage area of car is rendered useless, unless you load your shit up in there through the back seat
- Crayons and marker designs adorning backseat upholstery
- Countless bumps, dings, dents, and scratches
Whenever I park this beast after work, I go right inside and demand a Grey Goose martini with a TWIST because that is how you DO in a '05 Subaru, baby!
Calm down, calm down. Yeah, I'll letchoo drive it . . . MAYBE.