Monday, May 9, 2016

Unprecedented Walrus Haul Out Appears to Be a 3,000+ #NeverTrump Walrus Protest

Reports of thousands of Alaska walruses hauling out at a new location have caused scientists, journalists, and wildlife watchers to speculate on the reasons behind the marine mammals' sudden and mysterious appearance near Cape Greig on the Alaska Peninsula in the Bristol Bay region of the state.

Well, O.H.M. has the answer, for it has done what marine mammal biologists with the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service thus far have not: literally cut through the bullshit (because these walruses are mostly male bulls and 3,000 of them produce a LOT of shit) to obtain a formal, written statement/barkment/gruntment from a spokesbull on the REAL reason the walruses showed up on this beach 3,000 strong. 

The walrus bull who barked/grunted/spoke with us wished to remain anonymous, as he was not authorized to bark/grunt/speak on behalf of the group:
We don't want any biologists or journalists to lose their jobs over this, so we haven't said anything up until now. We're just letting them continue to survey us from the air and keep guessing about why we decided to pile onto this random beach. But we feel like this election is just too important to remain silent any longer. 
Our visit to this beach is actually a last-ditch marine mammalian protest against Donald Trump becoming the next President of the United States. We just don't think Trump is good for the walrus demographic. We know he doesn't believe in climate change, which from our perspective is problematic because any second grader in Alaska can tell you that our recent large gatherings are the result of shrinking sea ice. 
On some level it wasn't an easy decision for us to come out against Trump, since we do have a lot in common with the man: enormous and conspicuous white teeth, the tendency to make a lot of nonsensical noise, and constantly trying to mate, for example. But not since Lennon & McCartney wrote "I Am the Walrus" (coo-coo-cah-choo) have our reputations and fates been so tied to what happens in the human world. We don't like Hilary or Bernie either, but we're all trending #NeverTrump on Barker [the Walrus version of Twitter] right now. 
Oh--and while I'm at it, let me clarify that Wikipedia is right: we "possess a large baculum (penis bone) up to 63 cm in length, the largest of any land mammal, both in absolute size and relative to body size."
The Trump campaign declined to officially comment on the protest, but Trump posted and later deleted a tweet that said: "Lyin' walruses out in droves promoting global warming hoax?! VERY SAD! And I promise you people, my baculum is bigger than ANY land mammal."


Photo: Jon King/King Air

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