Tuesday, May 17, 2016

I'm a Cheese Enchilada, and You Know You Fucking Want Me for Lunch

Oh heeeeeeeey sexy! Haven't seen you around here in awhile! But I'm back and you're back, and I think the timing's finally right for us to try this thing again. 

Not sure who you think you're kidding, heading over to that salad bar area, because yeah, you just returned from a weekend away in which you probably drank your weight in gin. Still, you know you'll be back to scoop at least $12.57 worth of me into this container. (I'm looking at you, SALAD. Stay in your lane, bitch. Stay. In. Your. Fucking. Lane).

Sorry babe. As I was saying.

I get that a lot goes into choosing a lunch that you eat at your desk because you're too lazy to pack leftovers from home and they're gross anyway. And I get that you're too "busy" to take a real lunch hour in which you maybe do something "productive" like walk to the gym and drink a smoothie on the walk back. And believe me, I know that your major considerations in deciding what to eat for lunch are factors like will it stink up your office and your breath for hours afterward; will it make you fall asleep immediately after you eat it; will it give you pernicious gas; is it highly caloric and fattening; and/or is it cost-prohibitive. 

And I realize that maybe you're looking at me and saying to yourself, yeah, this cheese enchilada is all of those things, and maybe a few others I haven't even thought of yet. Which when you think about it is actually a really good thing, because it means I can still surprise you, right?! Even after all this time!

Why deny your feelings? YOLO--not YOLT. You only live ONCE, not twice. Like Eminem said, you only get one shot, do not miss your chance, this opportunity only comes once every few weeks when I'm available at the self-service deli counter of this store.

Go ahead and text one of your co-workers to see if there's anything she needs while you're out. While you're at it, ask her if it's a good idea to eat me, a ducking cheese enchilada, for lunch? I know you typed "fucking" but your iPhone keeps auto-correcting to "ducking" and I know her name isn't Gina. That was also an auto-correct/speech-text fail, when you tried to write/speak-text under your breath, "I'm gonna get this fucking cheese enchilada." Not "I'm Gina get this ducking tarantula." I bet she tells you to go for it, again because YOLO, if only in the hopes that it will make you fatter than she is. Wait, she just texted back. HAHAHA! "Go for it, YOLO!" See? I was right! That's what it says. I can see it from here.

Anyway, whatevs.

You woke up with a new wrinkle that you told yourself is just from sleeping on your pillow in a funny position, and your 5 year-old son refuses to get dressed in the morning unless you wave his clothes at him so he can pretend he's a charging bull and "charge" his head into the neck hole of his shirt. 

Furthermore, doing kegel exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor is like, the most exertion you did so far today, and no one's even giving you credit for that, because no one can see you doing it and your pelvic floor doesn't wear spandex and carry around a water bottle.

Well I'm here to make it aaaalllllll better. I'm like nothing you've ever eaten before, except all of the 8,000,000 other times you've succumbed to my incontrovertible deliciousness. 

Come ON. Don't be a hero. I'm a cheese enchilada, and you know you fucking want me for lunch.

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