Others, however, (specifically oil companies and their legislators) appear more sanguine. These are the folks in our state who know how to come up with solutions; not whine over the same old inefficiencies and problems in our broken public schools.
And that's why ExxonMobil, BP, Shell, and ConocoPhillips--together with the elected public officials who sup upon their lobbyists' delicious $15 spam musubi rolls---are revamping the state's K-12 curriculum.
It is hoped that the proposed restructure will prompt legislators into returning the recently slashed dollars to the school districts. Here are the key features of the newly proposed "petroleum-based curriculum" being hashed out in Juneau right now:
- All math to include only word problems that end in a certain number of barrels of oil and a certain number of dollars per barrel.
- Home Ec-type classes to be replaced by drenching birds in crude oil and scrubbing them with Dawn in a bucket outside.
- Science focused exclusively on geochemistry and debunking climate change conspiracy.
- History lessons only about history of drilling for oil and the awesomeness that it has yielded the world over.
- Each playground at every school in the state will be a miniature mock-up of Prudhoe Bay (e.g., that rocking rig hammer-thingie will be a see-saw).
- School libraries will be purged of crappy, controversial books like To Kill a Mockingbird and The Great Gatsby, and replaced with Exxon-approved glossy magazines featuring diverse races of men and women in safety goggles and hard hats studiously looking at blueprints, pointing off into the horizon, and smiling brightly.
- All-percussion music classes, using only oil drums.
- Foreign exchange programs only to Nigeria, Dubai, and Texas.
- Each student's education will be "sponsored" by a major oil producer, who will require the student to wear a uniform bearing the logo of that producer during school hours.