Sunday, December 28, 2014

Four Songs that Make Me Vomit, and Why

Wonderful Tonight, Eric Clapton: This classic rock ballad is about Eric Clapton watching his blonde trophy wife---who happened to be Patti Harrison, formerly George Harrison's wife until Clapton swooped in---get ready for a party. She keeps fishing for compliments, and he keeps telling her how hot she is. Then he walks around the party all night, very psyched with himself because he now has a blonde, super model trophy wife whom he convinced to leave a Beatle. Flash forward twenty years, and the song is put on mix tapes and used by frat boys at Emory to try to impress girls and get laid. The end.

Wild World, Cat Stevens: The lyrics to this song send the most condescending and misogynistic message imaginable: it's a big bad world, stupid, childish ex-girlfriend! Only I know how crazy shit is out there. You are a naive idiot, trying to skate by on your looks, so good luck to you! Yeah, whatever Cat Stevens. There are probably like a zillion and one undiscovered species of insects living in your beard. Get back on the peace train and go suck a dick! Seriously, what an asshole.

You're Beautiful, James Blunt: This vicious ear worm by British singer/song-writer James Blunt broke the radio a couple of years ago. It's the story of a guy who sees a girl on the subway and they have a five second soul connection. But it's not meant to be, because the aptly-named James Blunt is "fucking high" and the subway hottie has a boyfriend. It takes five minutes (which is four and a half too many) of maudlin, cloying crooning about how beautiful this stranger is to relate the most cliche "love at first sight" narrative of all time.

No Such Thing, John Mayer: This sophomoric breakout hit by the douche nozzle known as John Mayer tells the tale of how John Mayer's high school guidance counselor would not let John Mayer be GREAT, and was holding him back from his destiny as a rock star by telling him to study for his SATs and apply to college. The moral is that people with college degrees and jobs are sell-outs and suckers, and that only someone who has recorded a duet with Katy Perry and jizzed all over Jessica Simpson's boobs is worthy of society's esteem.


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