Sunday, December 7, 2014

Resume

                  One Hot Mess
     onehotmessalaska.blogspot.com
                  (907) 555-5555

EDUCATION
--Expensive Ivy League College Providence, RI: (1999) B.A. with honors in English; eating disorders; emotionally abusive relationships; crying; generalized disappointment.

--Expensive Law School Brooklyn, NY: (2005): J.D. with focus in mocking douche bags and sussing out the dozen or so relatable people in class; wrote and published two obscure articles about topics no one likely cares about; attended forums, panels, and symposia mostly to make a free meal out of the wine, cheese cubes, and mini-quiches.

EXPERIENCE 
--Mother, Everywhere (2007-present): attempt to raise two productive and non-sociopathic members of society; ride endless roller coaster of terror and joy.

--Lawyer, Juneau, Alaska (2006-present): write; yell at self and others; get indignant and opinionated; travel; smash keyboard; tear hair out; drink a pot of coffee per day; love nearly every minute of it.

--City Cubicle Worker, New York, NY (2000-2002): type; write; talk to people; flirt; go to happy hour; almost shit pants in 9-11.

--Publishing Company Drone: New York, NY (1999-2000): Slave to VP of something at a publishing company for less than minimum wage; cry in bathroom; cower in fear and misery; plot exodus daily.

INTERESTS & HOBBIES
Skiing; hiking; plucking eyebrows and other unwanted hair off face; spending time with family; avoiding family; drinking; blogging; crying; laughing; feeling sorry for self for worse than no reason; neurotic self-obsessing, hating, and ruminating; FaceTiming with friends and family at all hours of night; insomnia; looking out the window.

SKILLS
Tweezing; typing; talking fast.

REFERENCES
Ex-boyfriends; others upon request.

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