Except for the fact that each of these cards kind of secretly makes me want to kill myself like, a teensy tiny little bit. It could have something to do with the fact that I am writing this blog post from the toilet while crying for unrelated reasons. But 'tis the season for gastrointestinal distress, self-reflection, and tears, isn't it people? Come on. WHAT. You think shitting-blogging-crying simultaneously (Shcrygging?) on literally the darkest day of winter at your parents' house is "over-sharing" and "TMI?" Sorry, hombre. You are dead wrong.
If you can't take the heat, get out of the shcrygging kitchen, because EVERYONE in Brooklyn is shcrygging now, even in their parents' houses, and actually, especially at their parents' house on the winter solstice. I should know: I just took four different subway lines (M to the F to the A to the 1, and no that is not a line from a Beastie Boys song) from Williamsburg (SO COOL) to Riverdale (SO LAME). And I can report that schcrygging is like, the coolest thing since artisanal craft beer and having a tomato farm on the roof of your building in Bushwick.
Oh come on. WHAT. What about shcrygging would suggest that the name of this blog is at all apt? Besides the fact that I just admitted that I get a microscopically bit suicidal when I receive a beautiful, 4x6 piece of embossed card stock in the mail whose worst offense is to depict children and puppies and freshly-showered parents sweetly wishing me peace, joy, and love for the New Year from the whatever family to mine?
And yet . . . and yet . . . I just cannot with the holiday card. I am too lazy, cynical, and just plain disastrous. The idea of culling through photos of my family, selecting a template, making the card, asking people for their addresses, addressing the envelopes, licking the envelopes, buying stamps, affixing stamps, and putting the cards in the mailbox seems more daunting than creating an entire second family to generate more holiday cards. And what does this say about me? Nothing good, I'm afraid. Which is why the holiday card embodies almost everything I hate about myself and more.