Sunday, December 14, 2014

The Turnip, Vol. 3: Area Mother Hypnotized by Grocery Store

JUNEAU, AK

Area mother Jennifer Smith, who works outside the home and rarely does her family's grocery shopping, became hypnotized by the bright lights, vast selection, and puzzling organization at the local Fred Meyer Super Store last Saturday.

Armed with a list of six items with which her husband had dispatched her to the cavernous retail chain, Smith found herself entranced by a palette of two-for-one strawberries and a rack of blockbuster DVDs on sale for the low low price of $19.99 each.

"Where the fuck is the organic peanut butter?" Smith mumbled under her breath, while alternately glancing down at the highly specific list and becoming dazed by a five pound bag of Sour Patch Kids. "I really don't understand why they need to put peanut butter in three different aisles."

At press time, Smith was observed leisurely comparing diverging accounts of Kim Kardashian's ass size and stability of marriage to Kanye West in "Us Weekly" and "In Touch" magazines, while ignoring a text message directing her to make sure the eggs were cage free.



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