Tuesday, December 30, 2014

New Year's Resolutions

2015 is just around the corner, which means it's once again time for my two annual New Year's resolutions. They're the same every year: (1) be less judgmental; and (2) be more inner-directed. Clearly, I fail miserably at these each year. So for 2015 I have five more modest resolutions, which I am announcing to the world in the hopes that I'll be more motivated to stick to them:

1. Read Less About Chris Christie: This oily, bombastic, Jabba the Hutt doppelgänger is the governor of New Jersey and presidential hopeful, and he embodies everything that is wrong and depressing about America. He has rigged traffic patterns in highly populated cities out of spite and personal vengeance to the detriment of millions. His latest coup is selling municipal water supplies to the highest bidder, all while blasting Bruce Springsteen at top volume. Every time I read anything about the salami stain on the crotch of humanity's pants known as Chris Christie, a little piece of me dies inside. And Lord knows, the older I get, the less I can afford to have little pieces of me die inside.

2. Stop Sitting at My Standing Desk: I have a standing desk for a reason, presumably so that I can stand at it. Yet almost all day every day, I lower that mother fucker down and put my ass in the chair for hours on end--just like I did before I had a gizmo that made me feel even worse about sitting my ass in a chair for hours on end.

3. Get a Fit Bit and a Size 6 8 Dress: For $100 or so, I can get a nifty, slick little computerized bracelet that tells me how few times I have put one foot in front of the other each day. Much like the standing desk, it will be another gizmo to remind me that I need to quit being a quivering mass of protoplasm, pouring myself from one sedentary location to the other each and every day. The size 6 8 dress I will buy to accompany the fit bit will hang in my closet until I ultimately jettison it to a clothing swap for failure to ever wear it and breathe in and out at the same time.

4. Set 25% of My Possessions Aflame in a Controlled Conflagration Outside My Home: In addition to reducing my waist line and exposure to Chris Christie, it's time to cut by at least 25% the volume of useless possessions in my life. Among the prime (but by no means exclusive) targets: a juicer from 1980; a broken basketball hoop; six bags of styrofoam packing peanuts and bubble wrap; a tote full of VHS tapes; and several used text books about modern culture and the media. All of these must feel the merciless wrath of a blow torch and fire accelerant by 2016.

5. Be a More Attentive Parent: Which parents don't have this resolution? I'll tell you which ones: The ones that make cupcakes for their kids' school for every holiday; always listen when their kids talk and talk so they will listen (as opposed to screaming at the ceiling, which is my favored means of communication); never fiddle around on their iPhone or lap top when their kids are in the room; and read the label of every food and beverage that crosses their kids' lips. My resolution is to do at least one of these things every day until 2016. Or every week. Ok, maybe every month. 

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