Thursday, December 11, 2014

You Don't "Own the Night" if Your Schedule is This:

5:00 p.m-5:15 p.m.: Facebook stalk everyone you've ever made out with to see if their current partner exists, and if so, whether they are hotter than you.

5:15-5:30: Rifle through the fridge and pantry looking for "something." Settle for caramel corn and Craisins.

5:30-6:00: Yell at your family and vice-versa.

6:00-6:15: Hide in your bedroom staring into the darkness.

6:15-6:30: Google a bunch of acronyms you've seen online, but whose meanings have eluded you because you are old (e.g. "IDGAF").

6:30-7:30: Spend "quality" time with kids. Succeed for 20 minutes. Fight the rest of the time.

7:30-8:30: Attempted nightly cherishing of kids' lengthy bedtime rituals.

8:30-9:00: Make sour lemonade with Splenda and splash of vodka; Watch nature show about India and pass out to the mellifluous voice of British narrator.

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