Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Can We All Just Admit That Pumpkins are Gross Now?

Please, in the name of all that's holy, can we? I know it's totally un-American. But Halloween and Thanksgiving are over, and I don't think it's treasonous to state the obvious: pumpkins are gross. No, I retract that. Pumpkins are fucking disgusting. I mean, they're OK to look at and cool to carve up and stuff. At least until they rot into a vile, moldy heap on your front steps because you're too lazy to take them inside/throw them out after October 31. (This has never happened to me, by the way. Let's just say I've had "friends" to whom this has happened).

Why must pumpkin flavor be in everything from September to December, every single year? Pumpkin pie; pumpkin spiced lattes (i.e. a squirt of pumpkin flavored syrup blurped into your coffee from a sticky plastic pump at Starbucks); pumpkin-flavored chocolates; gelatinous canned pumpkin (for use in most pumpkin recipes); roasted/toasted pumpkin seeds (way better than the rest of the pumpkin, but just barely); pumpkin pancakes; pumpkin bread; pumpkin cookies; pumpkin muffins; pumpkin cheese cake; pumpkin cheese balls (yes, they exist); and worst of all--pumpkin soup. Wretch! 

I know this post will have its detractors. "Pumpkins are delicious!," said no one ever. OK, maybe some people have said that, once. But I don't believe them. Not for a second. Because it's an objective fact: pumpkins are simply wrong, wrong, and wrong!

A friend of mine who is living in Switzerland claimed she could not find pumpkin anywhere, and pumpkin appears to be conspicuously absent from most global cuisine, and for good reason. It tastes like shit on a stick! When will we stop pretending that pumpkins taste good, and start admitting that we are in search of ways to use a disgusting gourd that everyone associates with festive fall holidays and doesn't have the heart to just throw away? Please people, I beg of you. We need a collective admission that pumpkins are gross.

1 comment:

  1. You are going to eat my pumpkin halibut curry and you are going to effing love it.


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