Friday, December 5, 2014

One Hot Mess and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I went to sleep with my mouth guard in my mouth and now there's drool in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I stepped on Isaac's sharp Legos and by mistake I brushed my teeth with Cetaphil facial cleanser and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At breakfast Paige threw a tantrum because we were out of oatmeal and Isaac wouldn't put on his pants and there was no hazelnut coffee-mate for my coffee.

I think I'll run away to Hawaii.

In the car the gas light was on and there was a layer of grime and ice two inches thick on the windshield. No one would let me into the intersection. I said I was going to be late for work. I said I had an 8:30 a.m. meeting, goddammit. I said, if you don't let me into this intersection you're going to hell. No one even answered.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At work my boss liked my co-worker's brief about subrogation better than my memo about easements.

At lunchtime someone kept hogging the microwave. At coffee time I was out of change. At nap time I couldn't take a nap because I was at work. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I could tell because Isaac's school called and said he had pink eye. They said someone had to pick him up and that his oozy eye was contagious and oozing on the whole school.

But we're working, I said to the school. I hope the next time your kid's eye is a tiny bit red and you have no child care and you pick him up and buy him an ice cream cone because you feel sorry for him the ice cream part falls off the cone part and lands in Hawaii!

There were no gluten free cupcakes at Rainbow Foods. And all the stuff in the deli case looked gross so I starved at lunch.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

That's what it was, because I left work early for a dentist appointment, and the dentist said I needed a root canal and owed his office $800 that insurance didn't cover from my last visit. You can pay it next week, he said.

Next week, I said, I'm running away to Hawaii.

On the way out of the dentist's office someone scraped my back fender, I slipped on ice in the parking lot, and then I started crying because the news on NPR was sad. And while I was listening to NPR I remembered I hadn't donated to the pledge drive this year and felt guilty and turned it off.

I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I told everybody. No one even answered.

So then I went to Rainbow Foods again to buy some kale. There was chard. There was lettuce. There was cabbage. But there was no fucking kale. They were all sold out. They can make me buy chard, but they can't make me eat it. 

Then I realized I forgot a binder I needed in my office but by that time Paige was with me and she taped all my sharpies together and drew on my desk and erased my whole white board and spilled water on my monitor.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

There was pumpkin soup for dinner and I hate pumpkins. There was baseball on TV and I hate baseball.

My shower was too cold, I ran out of vodka, my last Ambien went down the drain, and I had to wear my too-small pajama bottoms. I hate my too-small pajama bottoms. 

When I went to bed Geoff started snoring and I lost my place in a 750 page novel and my mind started obsessing over cancerous moles. Eddie Vedder wants to sleep with his supermodel wife, not with me.

It has been a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

My mom says some days are like that.

Even in Hawaii.

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