Monday, December 15, 2014

O.H.M.'s "Let's Pretend It's All Okay" Guide to Self-Delusion

I've written before on this blog about the power of self-delusion. Self-delusion, (a.k.a. "sticking one's head in the sand") remains a VERY effective coping strategy, both on the micro scale of one's personal life and on the macro scale of greater sociological and environmental forces. 

For convenience, I present to my readers O.H.M.'s "Let's Pretend It's All Okay Guide to Self-Delusion," or, "The Top 20 Things You Need to Tell Yourself Every Day to Pretend It's All Okay":

1. Hello! It's not torture, dumb ass. It's "enhanced interrogation!"

2. America is a meritocracy where regardless of race, gender, sex, financial status, or other forces beyond a person's control, everyone has the exact same opportunities as everyone else. The American (pipe) dream is alive and well, people!

3. Ever-increasing droughts, floods, hurricanes, summer in December, and winter in July have nothing to do with people belching toxic fumes into the air for the past 150 years. It's all part of the natural cycle of earth. You know, like during the age of the dinosaurs.

4. Creationism, evolution, and intelligent design are compatible and equivalent scientific and intellectual theories, all of which should be given equal airtime in public schools.

5. Don't worry about anything. God/The Universe will take care of you. And whatever God/The Universe doesn't take care of, you can control yourself by being good and virtuous.

6. Closely related to #5, you both deserve AND can control the bad and good things that happen to you in life.

7. If you do all the right things with diet and exercise, you can totally avoid cancer and other diseases.

8. Don't worry: he/she is totally into you. They're just not calling you back/returning your email/text message, etc. because they are just super busy right now.

9. If you do all the right things and take all the right precautions, you can protect your privacy and identity from advertisers and the internet-industrial complex.

10. If you buy lots and lots of shit, you will be super happy and so will everyone else in your life. Happiness is just one more material acquisition away. Seriously, like one more. Until the next one.

11. Other people are talking shit about you/thinking about you all the time.

12. Those pants never fit you anyway.

13. A cupcake for lunch and cake for dinner is totally OK.

14. Never going to the gym is totally OK.

15. Social media is a realistic portrayal of people's lives and you should rely on what people put on there to judge what they are doing, thinking, and feeling.

16. Guns don't kill people. People kill people. 

17. Vaccines cause autism. Jenny McCarthy said so.

18. Women who get raped and sexually assaulted totally deserved it, like, at least a LITTLE bit.

19. Violence in America will end as soon as our culture stops glorifying violence through media and video games. Censorship is the answer. If we just censor enough media, everyone will be totally protected and safe.

20. 9/11 was an inside job.

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