Thursday, December 11, 2014

Shit Streaks and Crazy Straws

Question: What do these two things have in common? 
Answer: they're both disgusting. Even more disgusting than pumpkins. 

Let me explain:

1. Shit Streaks: You naively think that when your kids are out of diapers, you might finally--FINALLY--be done dealing with their shit. Not so fast, homeslice! Because now their shit is super awesomely smeared into their underwear! For whatever reason, a child's ability to drop the majority of their bowels into a toilet does not translate into the ability to wipe their own ass afterwards (It also does not translate into the ability to properly gauge the amount of toilet paper necessary not to clog a toilet beyond repair, but that's another matter). So what you end up with, essentially, is a pile of cloth diapers with like 10% of your kids' shit ground into the crotch/ass area. It only took me one time to scrub a pair of these out in the sink before I decided to give the middle finger to Planet Earth and my salary by discarding their underwear every single time this happens, which is probably at least thrice per week.

2. Crazy Straws: Remember how much you loved these as a kid? Remember how you wanted to drink every single beverage with them? And remember how much your parents hated them? And you could never understand why? Well, now you know. Apart from their politically incorrect name (I'm surprised the mental health community has not taken up the mantle on this issue), these BPA-laden plastic drinking straws are vile on every level. Their twisty structure causes liquid to congeal in their arteries like some sort of moldy, beverage-induced artherosclerosis. Yet they melt when exposed to any degree of hot water that could possibly make them clean. So again: what you end up with, essentially, is a permanently moldy plastic tube that your child begs to drink out of three meals a day with fuck knows what pathogens entering their bodies chased down by milk, juice, or water.

The only thing I can think of that's more disgusting than shit streaks and crazy straws is a pumpkin smoothie consumed with a crazy straw and discovery of a shit streak in your kids' underwear mid-smoothie consumption.

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