Thursday, December 3, 2015

LaPierre on the Chair: The NRA's Answer to Elf on the Shelf

Here's a new Christmas tradition (in addition to the mass shooting massacres that seem to happen with reliable frequency around this time of year, I mean). It's modeled on Elf on the Shelf and the Jewish spinoff version, Mensch on a Bench, and it's perfect for that Second Amendment redneck confederate-flag waving wingnut zealot who has everything (we all know one).

It's called LaPierre on a Chair.

It's a little bobblehead of Wayne LaPierre, executive VP of the NRA and Voldermort doppelganger. And just like the Elf on the Shelf or the Mensch on a Bench, you deploy little LaPierre between Thanksgiving and Christmas to see whether you've been naughty enough to need a background check or will just be allowed to purchase an assault rifle at WalMart or a gun show like all the nice little girls and boys.

You keep moving him around strategic locations in your house and he sort of stands guard to make sure Obama isn't coming for your stash of ammo. He also has a little button on his pedestal that you can push every time there's another school, office, or movie theater shooting and he will offer his pre-recorded platitudinous "thoughts and prayers" and shrill, Gestapo-like calls for even more artillery in civilian hands as the obvious solution to this little problem we have in 'Murica.

The whole family can get into this heartwarming new tradition that's as American as apple pie wrapped in parchment paper with the Second Amendment printed on it.

Bonus: every time you buy a LaPierre on the Chair, 5% of the proceeds are donated to Haliburton.

Get yours today while supplies last!


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