Thursday, March 19, 2015

Let’s Get Back Together?: A Love Letter from Royal Dutch Shell to The Chukchi Sea

Dear Chukchi Sea,

I know we’ve had our problems in recent years, and I admit that I haven’t always treated you as well as you deserved. But I know we’re meant to be together, even if a lot of other people keep telling you that I'm selfish and irresponsible and that I don't really care about you. Search your trenches. Like way deep down where all of your most valuable resources reside, and you'll know that I'm right.

Listen. There are all these outside forces trying to keep us apart: environmental groups, protesters, regulatory hurdles, hippies in Seattle, lawsuits. It's a lot of pressure and it's really taken its toll on our relationship. But babe, they're lying to you and you know we can overcome anything this world throws at us, because I have a plan!

I know we can be strong and stand together against the people and things that don’t want us to be great—like Sally Jewel and maybe a few bowhead whales. We’re living on a prayer, like in the Bon Jovi song. (Can that please be the song we dance to at our wedding)? Whoaaa, we’re half way there (with some newly-granted federal permits). It really has a ring to it, doesn’t it?

But I digress.

We have so much potential, Chuki (I know you love it when I call you that). I know we can be so happy together someday. We have SO much to give to each other and the world. And you’re so beautiful, too, albeit wild, unpredictable, temperamental, and often very cold. But of course, that just makes you more alluring. When I fall asleep at night, all I can think about is how much I want to take my huge drilling rigs and make sweet, deep, crude-oil love to you for eternity until we have nothing left to give or take from each other.

All the haters keep saying our love isn’t real. That it's not workable—that it’s too risky and “unsafe” because of ice floes and polar bear habitat and sea lion rookeries and bullshit like that. That I'll leave you as soon as I get what I want. I promise you, they’re wrong. I admit that I messed up a few years ago when one of my rigs accidentally ran aground, and everyone said that means I don't have my shit together and that we can’t make it. Well, let them talk. Let’s show the whole entire world that we CAN make it!

I want you to know that I've really been cleaning up my act. I’m taking stock of everything in my life in order to give you everything you desire and more. I’ve rented us a pied-a-terre in Seattle. I'm upgrading my containment and propulsion systems and talking to The Coast Guard to make sure that I never pollute the shores of our love and that no reef or rock will ever breach my hull. I don't know what more I can do. Fortunately, your congressional delegation and business community recognize my efforts; they know that our love is meant to be.


Look. I know we come from different worlds. You're a large body of water from the wilds of Arctic Alaska, untamed and bold, home to delicate flora and fauna. I'm a publicly-traded, Fortune-500 Anglo-Dutch multinational oil and gas company with shareholders to answer to. But it's precisely because of our differences that we have so much to offer one another! 

Don't you see that? Because I do.

I’ve asked The Department of the Interior for your hand in marriage, and I think that will finally prove to you that I’m serious about being with you forever.

With all my love always and forever,

Royal Dutch Shell (affectionately known as R.D.S.)


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