Tuesday, March 17, 2015

That Dumb Bitch Siri is Deaf as a Post

I've been told that I mumble and speak too fast, but I refuse to believe it, mainly because the person who most often complains about this is my mother-in-law, and she wears hearing aids. 

Unfortunately, my interactions with that bitch Siri who lives in my phone and mangles every sentence I say only bolster my mother-in-law's allegations, as described in the following verbatim transcript of several speech-text conversations with Siri:

What I Said: "I'd just as soon lay low, myself."
What Siri Heard: "A justified swoon with Lalo, myself."

What I Said: "I think Costco was all out of Kirkland signature vodka the last time I checked."
What Siri Heard: "I drank Costco is all put out Kirkland signature block the vast timing stretched."

What I Said: "Why did I decide to take the snow tires off my car if winter was just going to come in April?"
What Siri Heard: "If I decide to snake the snow tires of my car when I was going to come on April."

What I Said: "We're all out of vanilla almond milk. Did you happen to remember it?"
What Siri Heard: "We're all outward phenomenal. Did you harpooning in November question mark?"

What I Said: "I read somewhere that tarantulas eat their young."
What Siri Heard: I'm rude somewhere have rentals either dung."

What I Said: "Are they ever going to make another season of Millionaire Matchmaker?
What Siri Heard: "They ever going to thermometer she's in one million or muckraker?"

What I Said: "I made dentist appointments for the kids but we need to pick them up from school early in order to do it."
What Siri Heard: "Images disappointments for the kids but going are you doing."

What I Said: "I think Carol ordered an extra box of thin mints but we don't have it?"
What Siri Heard: "The sink feral offered an extra box often mints but we pontificated question."

What I Said: "I kind of want a Shamrock Shake from McDonald's for St. Patrick's Day. I love leprechauns!"
What Siri Heard: "I kind of want ashamed from McDonald's for St. Patrick's Day. Above leprosy exclamation."

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