Thursday, March 5, 2015

Attention: Amazing Retail-Related Breaking News in Anchorage

UPDATE: The source of the closure was asbestos abatement in the adjacent building. Oh sweet, sweet, baby Jesus. I can sleep tonight.

Below and presented without comment is a screenshot of the number one most-read article in Alaska's most-read newspaper today. Never mind. I retract that. I can't resist a few comments about this highly newsworthy piece of reportage.

Anchorage's only--ONLY--REI store was closed--inexplicably--for a FULL day! This means that the ENTIRE Municipality of Anchorage had to go without crampons, carabiners, Gortex (tm) windbreakers, and ski wax for a full TWENTY-FOUR HOURS. How the populace of Anchorage coped with this devastating lapse in recreational outdoor equipment services is still a mystery.

That's because the reporter failed to adhere to the fundamental journalistic precept of answering the who/what/where/when/why/how. I mean, what was the reason for the closure? There is no follow-up regarding what "the facility issue beyond [REI's] control" actually was. But I guess this urgent matter did not permit any delay in filing the story, as requests for comment were apparently not returned.

Readers are left to wonder: Why? WHY GOD, WHY!? Was it an overflowing toilet(s)? An escaped ferret? An inventory mix-up wherein several palettes of fleece pull-overs were accidentally switched out with a dozen boxes of SPF-30 impulse-buy lip balm and disposable hand-warmers, and the whole mess took a day to sort out?

Good God. Alaska--and indeed The World--may never know.



3 comments:

  1. If you had read the news a bit earlier, you would have seen, "Anchorage REI sore to reopen after daylong closure" and this article would have been very different.

    https://scontent-1.11404.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/t31.0-8/10896452_10152612109561898_2984814904598289988_o.jpg

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  2. Not only did I read that article, but it's the only one where I read the comments hoping to solve the mystery!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Not only did I read that article, but it's the only one where I read the comments hoping to solve the mystery!!!!

    ReplyDelete