Friday, March 6, 2015

The Stud Finder

Carpenters, construction enthusiasts, and home-improvement wonks alike will recognize the device pictured below as a "stud finder." Its technical purpose, I THINK, is to locate anchoring bolts in drywall called "studs."

Using studs to hang stuff up is a pretty good idea when you want to wall-mount a giant cabinet full of glasses, plates, and miscellaneous bric-à-brac, and you do NOT wish to be awakened at 4:00 a.m. by the sound of said cabinet falling down in cataclysmic fashion, shattering everything within and around it, and rousing you from a deep slumber with a startling panic that has you convinced you're suddenly in the middle of an earthquake or the zombie apocalypse.

Not that this has ever happened to me or anyone I know, mind you, although I have a few "friends" to whom this has happened. (If you DO want to be awakened in this manner, however, I recommend against use of a stud finder).

Now, it turns out that another thing the stud finder is really good for is fratricide. This "toy" is the latest craze in our house, and Paige and Isaac routinely tear each other to shreds trying to wrest it from one another. They use it to locate every stud in the drywall, as the stud finder makes an incessant beeping sound punctuated by children's tears and screams.

Personally, I think the "stud finder" would make a much better ap or device for singles on the prowl--kind of like tindr or grindr or blendr or however you spell it. It would be called "studfindr," and you'd take the device itself out to the bars with you and also put a mobile version of it on your smartphone.

Studfindr would instantly locate the nearest stud on whom to wall-mount your proverbial bric-à-brac cabinet, thereby ensuring that the relationship would not one day come crashing down and shatter all over the floor without warning, as so many relationships (forged without the use of studfindr) are prone to do.

Calling all software developers, psychologists, and engineer friends: this is your mission, if you choose to accept it.

And ... GO!

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