Sunday, March 15, 2015

Holy Fucking Shit Balls, I Think I Might Have LITERALLY Just Watched The Worst Movie Ever Made

And that's really saying something, because I have watched a lot of terrible movies in my day. 

One of the things I most look forward to about my annual spring break week alone in the house is watching bad movies while stuffing my corn hole full of popcorn sprayed with Pam (we were out of butter) and garlic salt.

But the movie I watched tonight seriously took the blue ribbon as all time worst movie I have ever seen. Yes, it was even worse than Freddy Got Fingered starring Tom Green, and even worse than Dude, Where's My Car? starring Ashton Kutcher. And it was even worse than The Notebook starring Ryan Gooseballs or whatever the fuck his name is.  

It was called Endless Love and it got a rating of maybe like 15% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is atrocious, and with good reason. It's hard to explain how bad this movie was, but let me try anyway.

For starters, the plot line involved every conceivable cliche in the screen-writing handbook (and I know, because I own that book. I thought I was going to write a screenplay while on maternity leave once. HA)!

Anyhoo, wealthy, shy, sweet, blonde-with-wispy-hippie-braids Jade Butterfield (Jade fucking BUTTERFIELD) is the virginal daughter of a tyrannical cardiologist and meek oppressed socialite author who dresses exactly like Nancy Regan in silk scarves and tweed pants suits all the time. Jade falls for mechanic-with-a-heart-of-gold David Axelrod (great last name for a mechanic!) who works in his dad's auto shop (mom left the family of course), just as both are graduating from high school. 

Despite having nothing in common and having never so much as passed a single note in geometry class before graduation, they spend the summer gazing into each other's eyes and furtively smelling each other's necks while Tyrant Dad tries to keep them apart ala Romeo and Juliet, complete with David coming to Jade's window every other night. 

Oh, David tries to say he doesn't actually want to bonk Jade ("we don't have to do this, you know")--just so we're clear that it's HER choice. But then she's all like, "I want to feel this way with you," and so of course, he obliges and they proceed to bone on every flat and not-flat surface they can find: in the library; in the back of a pick-up truck; in front of the fireplace in the living room of her parents' McMansion in suburban Atlanta; in a fake movie-set rainstorm; and a few other choice locations, 'cause, you know, they are 17 and in eeeeendddlessss loooooooooooooove. There are several montages to prove it.

BTW, Tyrant Dad is having an affair (natch) and getting over the death from cancer of his golden-boy first son/Jade's older brother who was an offensive line-backer at BROWN UNIVERSITY, an institution that features very prominently in this film. 

There were BROWN T-shirts, flags, and other BROWN shit and BROWN name-dropping in literally every other scene. Also, Jade was on her way to BROWN (pre-med, obvi) with Tyrant Dad's old antique stethoscope as a graduation present in hand.

Well, let me tell you something. I went to BROWN and it was just fine. But honestly, the main thing I remember about BROWN is that every guy I dated was a complete and total asshole to me, a lot of the girls were stand-offish, and I had an eating disorder and cried on and off for four years. 

And while there were certainly some wonderful people there, BROWN also boasted more than its fair share of douches (more than just the ones I dated, I mean), as evidenced by the fact that the choade-smoking-son-of-a-cheddar-dick who made this film clearly went to BROWN and doesn't want anyone to forget it.

Moving on: the two lead characters are actually British aristocrats in real life and it shows. I mean, couldn't they find a cheerleader and a quarterback from Texas to play these two? Come on! Stop shipping American jobs overseas, Hollywood! 

Jade also has another brother who is dating an Asian girl and majoring in communications at the university of arizona, so of course Tyrant Dad hates him. Also, David has a token black friend who appears on cue whenever it's time to do something fun or semi-illegal, thus giving this movie the added bonus undercurrent of not-so-subliminal racism.

Because this movie was written in screen writing 101 (possibly at BROWN itself), the last thirty minutes contain every possible conflict cliche imaginable: 

Jade quitting a prestigious internship to be with David; Tyrant Dad provoking David until he deservedly gets punched in the head; Jade getting into a car accident while screeching away from David after she sees him in a diner talking to his trashy ex-girlfriend with collagen lips; David and Jade's white-collar/blue-collar fathers having it out in the hallway of the hospital post-car accident; David getting arrested in a misunderstanding involving his token black friend; Tyrant Dad getting a restraining order against David; various letters being read aloud in the back-voices of their authors; Tyrant Dad digging up shit about David's past in juvie hall; David doing well on his SATs and getting into college (not BROWN though) despite the odds; David punching a speed bag in his garage while his dad tells him to "fight for her"; and the absolute pinnacle/grand finale: the redemptive scene in which David and Tyrant Dad save each other from a house fire in the McMansion and make various sacrifices for one another (e.g. Tyrant Dad is man enough to put down dead brother's BROWN trophies and diplomas and shit to save David's poor, sorry, proletariat, misdemeanant grease-monkey life after all, and indeed we see a BROWN flag go up in flames as he does so)!

The movie ends with David somehow buying Jade plane tickets and taking her to California for university of arizona communications-major brother/Asian girlfriend's elopement before they go back to PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND, which for those fools who don't know is where BROWN is located.

This movie was amaaaaazing. And also aptly named, as it was fucking ENDLESS. That said, I can't wait for the sequel.




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