Sunday, March 8, 2015


Before I checked Urban Dictionary, I was positive I had invented this term for burying your face in a dozen buffalo wings with blue cheese and just chowing the fuck down.

Turns out someone else came up with it first, and needless to say, I was PISSED! Oh well. There's no such thing as an original idea anymore.

This disappointing discovery led me to contemplate what other foods you simply can't eat in any kind of dignified way, even if you tried.

I came up with popcorn and turkey legs.

Popcorn is not a food that can be eaten with dignity. No matter how neat you try to be, you're basically shoving huge handfuls of greasy packing peanuts into your corn hole as fast as possible, usually while mindlessly staring at a glowing screen.

It's not a pretty picture.

Same goes for a turkey leg. The only times you ever eat a turkey leg are at Thanksgiving, a redneck carnival, or a Renaissance fair. Whichever one it is, you look like fucking Fred Flintstone walking around with a giant club of raptor meat in your fist and turkey grease all over your chin.

These are also not good date foods, I feel (although popcorn, at least, is a classic date food). It's been a long time since it's mattered to me, but it seems that performing wingalingus, mimicking a Neanderthal, and/or shoving greasy packing peanuts into your face and teeth by the handful is not a great way to make an impression.

That's some O.H.M. dating advice you can take to the bank. You're welcome!

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