Tuesday, March 17, 2015

I Will Never Be Truly Happy Unless and Until I Can Bleach My Perineum and Get a Labiaplasty

Ok, so I don't even know what a perineum is. I had to look it up. (It's the area between the vagina and anus). Last I heard, this was called the "taint" (in both men and women), but I suppose that's not the clinically correct term for this part of the anatomy.

Anyhoo, apparently women are bleaching their perineums (perinea?) in record numbers, ostensibly to make it match the rest of their white ass. I should have realized how important this was after my friend in the Philippines posted a picture of this hilariously disturbing and confusing feminine wash, which boasts as a desired effect vaginal "whitening." Now that I know how important a white perineum is, I need to get with the program. I want to be on-trend, after all!

In addition to bleaching their taints, women are also surgically altering their labia to "remove excess tissue" because, according to at least one plastic surgeon, as women yank all their pubes off with hot wax every six weeks (a.k.a. "grooming"), more and more of their anatomy is revealed and--surprise!--they don't like what they see. 

Indeed, many women are increasingly "concerned with the aesthetics and want to achieve a clean, smooth look." So obviously, the clear solution is to visit a plastic surgeon, crack off $10,000, elect to go under general anesthesia, and let said surgeon take a scalpel and start hacking away at their punanies.

Well now.

I've contemplated a lot of plastic surgery in my day, but this is the first time I've realized that I will never, ever be truly happy unless and until I bleach my perineum and get a labiaplasty. 

At first I thought I wanted a Mommy Make-Over to get a tummy tuck and a boob job. Then I was pretty convinced I needed to stick a needle full of toxic bacteria in my face to get rid of wrinkles near my eyes (in case the $472 wrinkle cream fails to work as promised). Then I contemplated liposuction and a few other things, like a hand-job. I don't think that's what they call it. I'm not talking about yanking a dick here. I'm talking about making your hands look 20 years younger. That thing.

Now, however, I realize I've inadvertently omitted a VERY essential item from my plastic surgery wish list! My vagina is a part of my body that I never realized was too brown and tissue-y, until I found out it needed to be white and de-tissued.

Thank GOD someone told me about perineal bleaching and labiaplasty. Because, as I say above, I'm quite certain that I will never, EVER be truly happy unless and until I can get this procedure.

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