Wednesday, March 25, 2015

O.H.M. Movie Review: "The Blue Lagoon"

After reviewing both Endless Love and Flowers in the Attic, it would be criminal to ignore The Blue Lagoon and fail to give this complete and total piece of shit its due.

The Blue Lagoon is an indescribably bad, positively delectable 104 minutes of Rated R-for-Ridonks, Adam-and-Eve-meets-Tarzan-and-Jane trizash from 1980 starring Brooke Shields’ hair and eyebrows, and a blonde surfer named Christopher Atkins who has never graced the silver screen before or since.

Like both Endless Love and Flowers in the Attic, The Blue Lagoon centers on pubes, boobs, incest, and intrigue, but in Jamaica (masquerading as a deserted tropical island), instead of a musty attic or the bed of a Ford F-150.


The movie is a period piece (the worst kind of piece there is) set in Victorian times. Two cousins named Richard and Emmeline LeStrange, and an obese, shady drunk Irish galley cook named Paddy survive a shipwreck in the South Pacific. (Note that the boy’s name is basically Dick Strange. That should give you an idea of where this movie is going).

Anyway, shortly after washing ashore in a lifeboat, Paddy and his standard-issue sailor hat from wardrobe at central casting go on a big-time bender with booze that he managed to keep secured in his suspenders during the shipwreck. Paddy hits the sauce a little too heavy and drops dead, but not before telling Dick and Emmy that one side of the island is teeming with cannibals and showing them a poisonous red berry that will supposedly kill them the second they eat it.

Dick and Emmy find Paddy’s dead body and poke it with a stick to confirm their worst fear: that the only grownup here just offed himself with help from a flask of Jameson’s. They then tromp over to the not-teeming-with-cannibals side of the island, and with zero skills or know-how, still manage to build a lean-to McMansion out of palm fronds, conch shells, coconut bark, and dreams.

Fast forward about ten years, and enter the boobs, pubes, and incest phase of this film, a.k.a., the part where “period piece” is revealed as a double entendre. By this time, Dick and Emmy are smokin’ hot, sinewy Sports Illustrated centerfolds in bronzer and strategically-placed loin cloths and long hair draped coyly over titties. They spend their days together fishing, diving for pearls, going through puberty, and conveniently forgetting that they're cousins.

At one point, Dick and his curly blonde, Donny Osmond-esque mop top have some secret fap times jacking off behind a rock, and Emmy is rightfully disgusted. But before long she’s good with it, since one day shortly thereafter there is a major "Say Anything from YM Magazine" (Tropical Island Edition) moment, where, OMG, this is so embarrassing, but Emmy gets her period like, right underneath a waterfall and like, right in front of Dick who wants to see if it’s a cut because neither of them has any idea what menstruation is! OMG it was like, soooooooooo embarrassing!

The film's turning point comes when a ship passes by, and Dick tries to Fred Flintstone up a signal fire to get rescued but Emmy won’t let him, because it’s just been too real playing Tarzan and Jane with cousin Dick for the past decade and now she’s totes all about that life. Dick is piiiiiiissed though, and boots her from the palm frond McMansion. 

In the course of being evicted, Emmy steps on a poisonous stonefish and at that point Dick realizes how sad he would be if Emmy actually croaked. Upon this realization, they go skinny dipping and have nature-takes-its-course-make-up sex. From that point forth, Emmy and Dick bone each other’s brains out on the daily and parade around in front of each other nekkid as the day they were born.

Due to all the boning, Emmy gets knocked up, but it takes awhile to figure this out. At first Dick is like, you’re getting fat, stop eating so many mangoes. Then the mangoes start moving INSIDE Emmy’s belly and it freaks them both the fuck out, but not nearly as much as when a little baby boy human comes randomly squirting right out of Emmy’s vajazzle one night! 

It’s like that reality TV show I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, featuring some of the most clueless hos in America, all of whom manage to go through nine months of life not realizing there’s a baby hiccuping in their uterus until they shit the baby out on the toilet or on the shoulder of the Interstate one day.

Yeah, it's like that. Except it’s slightly more excusable since Dick and Emmy have been alone on an island since the age of six. For whatever reason, they inauspiciously name the kid Paddy, after the drunk sailor from the beginning of the movie. Emmy has no idea how to feed a baby, and starts shoving mangoes in Paddy 
Junior's newborn face. Naturally, Paddy Junior is having less than none of that, because as everyone (or at least everyone who has not grown up in isolation on a deserted tropical island) knows, babies don’t eat mangoes! Eventually, Emmy’s nipples and Paddy Junior's mouth find each other by instinct, and Emmy realizes that her tatas are all Paddy Junior needs, so fuck the mangoes.

Paddy Junior and Dick have father-son fun times for a few years, as Dick teaches him the ropes of living on a tropical island, like how to roast a coconut husk over an open fire and shit like that. 

We see via montage that all is well, until the day Dick, Emmy, and Paddy Junior stupidly decide to take the lifeboat around to the side of the island they originally crashed on. Dick climbs out of the boat to check shit out, Emmy falls asleep, Paddy Junior chucks one of the oars out off the side, a shark encircles them, and the current begins to carry the boat out to sea. Emmy and Dick slip in and out of consciousness and Paddy Junior eats some poison berries by mistake. Emmy and Dick decide to eat some too, since they are basically fucked and are like, let’s all go down together. It’s full on Goodnight Saigon up in this bitch.

Except not so fast.

Of all people, Dick’s DAD cruises by in a big ship and finds his now-teenage son and cousin-wife/baby floating in a ghetto life raft. The ship captain (who I guess knows his berries), assures dad that Dick and Emmy and Paddy 
Junior aren’t really dead, they’re just sleeping. The movie ends with all three being rescued, ostensibly to be re-introduced to civilization. 

All's well that ends well, Blue Lagoon! This is a great, GREAT movie that no one should miss. Watch it TODAY!

1 comment:

  1. Umm Christopher Atkins graced the screen several times after TBL.Only problem was,each movie got progressively worse,and made Lagoon look like Citizen Kane.His career was pretty much completely "washed up"(get it?) by 1985.Still though,he was a hot little number with a great ass!I remember him fondly.

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