Monday, March 23, 2015

Inside My Head On a One Hour Flight

What was that sound? It was a VERY odd rattling sound that I've never heard before and we haven't even left the gate. Was that normal? I don't think it was normal. But people are already asleep? Who can sleep through that sound? Whatever. I guess it must be normal.

Why is this plane shaking so much? I think we're having trouble gaining altitude. I read somewhere that "trouble gaining altitude" is actually a really big problem. Wait a minute. Oh no. The flight attendant is on that official looking white phone. Why? She's whispering. I can see her. Why is she whispering? Her eyes look very nervous and she's tapping her foot. She's hiding something. I know it. She's talking to the pilot or air traffic control or someone else who knows we're all about to die in ten minutes.

Where is that drink cart already? Oh here it comes. If we were really about to die they wouldn't be dispensing drinks, right? Except wait! Maybe that's EXACTLY what they would be doing! They're trying to distract us from our imminent demise. They're trying to keep us calm. They can't have anyone panic here. Panic and 30,000 feet up in an aluminum can do not mix. Even though there is obviously great cause for panic. Either way, I need a vodka tonic. Make it a double. I'll just close my eyes for a minute...

Ten seconds later . . .

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! Did we just get hit by a surface-to-air missile like that Malaysian jet over the Ukraine? Or a bolt of lightening? Or maybe we lost an engine? I think a migration of blue herons just flew into one of the engines. Wait, wait. Never mind. I think that was the sound of a wing clipping against the side of a mountain. Or maybe it was a glacier. Do I have my jacket easily accessible in the event that I survive a crash into a glacier? Wait. What am I saying? People never survive a jet plane crash into a glacier! How can everyone around me look so calm? Who could be READING at a time like this? Don't they realize that we're all about to be eating each other's dead bodies for the next two weeks--and that's only for the ones who are lucky enough to survive impact?

Wait. That one guy looks very nervous, actually. He's sweating profusely and it's absolutely freezing in here. He's obviously very scared. And probably for good reas---NOW WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! Why is the pilot accelerating so fast? That CAN'T be a normal sound coming from the engine. Grandpa was a World War II pilot. If he weren't dead already he would be now, along with me and everyone else on board. What will happen to Geoff and the kids? I can't die on a work trip. Such an embarrassing way to go. I'm so glad I have life insurance. Please please please let me live to see my kids again. Or at least let me die of a disease instead of in a fiery plane crash. I need Ativan. EVERY time I tell myself that, and I never get it. When will I remember to call a doctor for an Ativan prescription?

Oh my God. We're on the ground. Thank God. Let me off this plane IMMEDIATELY. Why won't these people move? Who tries to cram this much shit in the overhead compartment? Holy shit ... that's about to fall on my head. Sorry lady, I didn't just survive a near death experience only to die of a concussion from your stupid rolling suitcase!


Finally. I'm off this plane. Now, where did I park my car again? I'm sure I left the headlights on for two days. I hope someone here will jump it. God, what a pain in the ass this whole thing is . . .
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