Friday, March 13, 2015

10 Signs My Kids Are Possessed by Demons--And Yours Could Be Next!

Tangentially related to my post below, there appear to be a number of high-profile officials in America who believe that children's poor behavior can be attributed to demonic possession, ala The Excoricist.

Well, finally! I've been waiting for a credible explanation for my kids' bad behavior, and here it is.

No, they haven't yet spun their heads around 360 degrees and projectile vomited on my face. Nor have they called me a very profane word for a woman's lady parts (although they have been known to say the "F-word" and "S-word" with glee). Nor have they walked backwards down the stairs like a human spider during the middle of a dinner party. Nor have they channeled the voice of a dead or ailing relative in an effort to psychologically manipulate me. Nor have their beds been violently flopping up and down on the floor. 

In short, it's not YET apparent that either one of my children is possessed by demons. But the signs are definitely there:

1. Paige has been speaking in tongues. She tries to converse with me in this "made up" language all the time, and I'm sure it's the result of demonic possession.

2. Isaac recently drew all over the living room window with a black marker (granted, it was a pre-approved window marker), but one of the shapes in his drawing looked suspiciously like a pentagram.

3. Paige screamed really loudly at Isaac last night while they were fighting over Legos and blocks. The scream sounded unusually high-pitched, and I am positive it was the voice of a demon.

4. Isaac scrunched up his nose in a horrific scowl when I told him he couldn't have gum before breakfast this morning. The expression on his face was reminiscent of Smeagol from Lord of The Rings.

5. Paige is obsessed with a Netflix cartoon show called Monster High, which, as the name suggests, is about teenage monsters in high school. This show and Paige's attraction to it are clearly the work of The Antichrist Beast.

6. Both my kids can count to 666, and no further.

7. During a recent bath, Isaac pulled his scrotum underneath his testicles like a cape and announced to me that his penis was "Superman." This obscene gesture can only be the work of Satan himself.

8. Both my kids smell sort of bad a lot of the time, and as everyone knows, devils and demons carry the stench of hell. I'm pretty sure that's the explanation for the foul odor emanating from their pores.

9. Isaac is a really good climber. People at our climbing gym keep saying so. The way he scurries up that indoor rock wall reminds me a lot of the way demonically possessed people scale flat surfaces at a 90 degree angle whilst in the throes of a particularly violent manifestation of the occult force within them.

10. Paige's hair is a constant mass of knots and snarls. Having greasy-looking, tangled hair is a very telling sign of demonic possession. Think about it: when have you ever seen a truly possessed child with neatly-combed hair? Huh? Huh?

We all need to do our part and remain vigilant to the scourge of demonic possession of our children. 

The struggle is real. 

For more helpful information about the "levels and signs of demonic possession," I direct you here.

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