Saturday, March 21, 2015

The One Word That Could've Changed The World

There's a song that's popular right now called Uptown Funk, by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars, and this is the opening verse:

This hit, that ice cold/Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold/This one for them hood girls/Them good girls/straight masterpieces!

Until I looked up the lyrics, I was positive that the word "masterpieces" was "masturbaters."

I was disappointed to learn the truth, because prior to that moment, every time I heard this song, I was like, Yay! Finally! A #1 hit song not only acknowledging--but apparently celebrating--female masturbation. Sung by a man, no less! 


Alas, the word that could have changed the world turned out to be just one more objectifying noun. What a sad, missed opportunity, I thought.

As everyone knows, masturbation is something that only men are allowed to do, discuss openly, and brag about, and accordingly, something that most of humanity believes only exists for men.


One of my favorite comedians, Louie C.K., makes his prolific masturbation habits a recurring part of his repertoire, and people laugh uproariously. No woman could ever get away with making those same jokes in the same way.


Why? There is a gazillion dollar appliance industry devoted to female masturbation, and yet everyone wants to pretend the entire practice doesn't exist. Indeed, none of you female readers seeing this post on Facebook better hit like, lest the world conclude that you're a "straight masturbater." But just do it anyway. I dare you. Fine. I double-dog dare you?

The joke about having a son is that whoa, when he becomes a teenager, watch out! Because heh heh heh he's gonna spend all day and night locked up in his bedroom jacking off and heh heh heh isn't that funny and cool and an important rite of passage? 

No one says that about girls. Is it because the patriarchy is threatened by the idea fact that women actually don't need men to get off? I'm sure that someone at BROWN UNIVERSITY got their PhD on this exact topic, and I would love to see the title of their thesis. It's probably something like "Female Masturbation and The Myth of the Male Signifier" or some heady bullshit like that.

Fortunately, my mother's zaniness and progressiveness were a boon to my teenage years. Her basic message to me was that I should go for it as often as possible. She also informed me that if I ever encountered a man with erectile dysfunction "at my age," there was something "seriously wrong with him" and I should quote, "run like the wind." Then she put me in therapy.

God, I love my mother.

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