Wednesday, March 18, 2015

I Spoke Too Soon: I Will Never Be TRULY Happy Unless and Until I Stick a Laser Beam In My Eyeballs to Make Them Blue

While casually perusing Yahoo "news" this morning, I had the good fortune to stumble upon this AMAZING medical breakthrough. A company called Stroma Medical has pioneered a new laser technique that can make your brown eyes blue, and not just metaphorically either, like in the Crystal Gayle song. 

Stroma Medical promises to "change the way the world sees you" by bringing you "safe, permanent eye-color change."  The lofty purpose of this procedure is to "reveal" the limpid pools of true blue that live in oppression and misery under your dirty, gross, shit-colored brown eyes.

Unfortunately, this procedure is "not currently available for the consumer market" because the "team's #1 priority is patient safety." But that's cool. Right after I get on the waiting list to take a Virgin Atlantic tour of the Milky Way galaxy courtesy of Richard Branson, and sometime shortly after I bleach my perineum and get a labiaplasty, you can sign me up for this, too! Because, DUH, the smooth, clean, white vagina I will "achieve" as a result of my newly-bleached taint will totally clash with my eyes. They are not blue, and they HAVE to be BLUE. 

Dr. Gregg Homer, chairman and "chief scientific officer" at Stroma Medical, assures us that "under every brown eye is a blue eye. The only difference between them is that a brown eye has a thin layer of pigment covering the blue iris," and this procedure "digests" the pigment so that your crappy ass brown eyes--which are more or less reminiscent of a sewer in Mumbai--will look like the Caspian Sea forever a mere two weeks after the 30-second, $5,000 procedure!

In the meantime, some wet blanket, Debbie Downer of a "doctor"/medical school "professor" at the "American Academy of Ophthalmology" posits that sticking a laser beam into your eyeball to make "scavenger cells digest and remove the pigment from the iris surface" could cause a teensy bit of glaucoma down the road.

Well fuck that. I want blue eyes for $5,000 and I want them NOW. Clinical trials and glaucoma be damned. Stroma Medical assures us that "preliminary human studies" are promising." YOLO, bitches!

There's just one catch. All of this begs the question, what's under a green eye? Dear God, please let it be a white eye. Please please please. I need every part of my body to be as white as possible. Or at least as white as my bleached vagina. 


In fact, I want the living material in each and every cell of my body (especially if it has any pigment) to be surgically removed and replaced with a light, cream-colored latex polymer.

So again, I take it back. THEN and only then, will I be truly happy.


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