Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Thanksgiving Staples

As you prepare for Thanksgiving by writing your shopping list and gathering your favorite recipes, it's easy to forget to finalize your guest list! Well, once again, it's One Hot Mess to the rescue. Like turkey, gravy, and cranberry sauce, no Thanksgiving is complete without the following thirty holiday staples that every red-blooded American should have around their dinner table:

1.  Someone who is vocally and unapologetically racist and/or sexist and/or homophobic and/or a climate change denier. (Duh, it's Thanksgiving, people).

2.  Someone who is visibly and inappropriately drunk before 5:00 p.m.

3.  Someone who is willing to engage in futile, heated debates and arguments with #1 and #2 (who might be the same person, and often is).

4.  Someone who just returned from something organized by Occupy Wall Street and wants to preach about it to anyone who will listen (often same person as #3).

5.  Someone secretly smoking weed outside in their car (often same person as #s 3 and 4).

6.  Someone coming out of the closet.

7.  Someone who is still in the closet.

8.  Someone who wants everyone to say what they're thankful for.

9.  Someone who is uncomfortable being made to say something they're thankful for and secretly deeply resents #8 for making them invent something at the last minute.

10. An artiste with a pink mohawk and tattoos.

11. Someone who is several months pregnant with their first baby and won't shut up about everything to do with their pregnancy, their baby nursery, and vaccines.

12. Someone who is having trouble getting pregnant and starts crying in response to the insensitive monologuing of #11.

13. Someone who passes out before dinner is served.

14. Someone who passes out during AND after dinner.

15. Someone who is going increasingly senile to the horror of their relatives.

16. Someone who just had Botox and either won't admit it, or, conversely, will not stop being a walking infomercial for Botox.

17. Someone who uses the acronyms OMG, TMI, YOLO, and FML in normal conversation.

18. Someone who won't stop looking at their mobile device.

19. Someone who won't stop reprimanding #18 for looking at their mobile device.

20. Someone who keeps trying to show everyone videos of cats and twerking on YouTube (often same person as #18).

21. Someone dressed like Elsa from Frozen (2014 only).

22. Someone who looks like a serial killer, rolls up in a molester van, and wants to describe the bomb shelter/panic room he is building in his basement.

23. Someone who keeps taking arty pictures of the food and posting them to Instagram.

24. Someone who only cares about the football game and nothing else.

25. Someone who clogs the toilet.

26. A "Lumbersexual."

27. Someone who recounts the plot of "The Fault in Our Stars" in excruciating detail (2014 only).

28. Someone who is an inappropriate flirt and insists on playing their amateur dub-step for you as some sort of bizarre advance.

29. Someone who won't shut up about gas prices, the stock market, real estate, and the Polar Vortex (a.k.a. the Four Most Boring Topics Ever Broached).

30. Someone who never makes it to dinner because of traffic (East Coast and LA only).

BONUS GUEST: Someone who is convinced they have Ebola but came to dinner anyway.

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