Tuesday, November 4, 2014


Here's a picture Paige drew of Isaac giving a flower to his "girlfriend,"--a little girl at his preschool whom he's known since toddlerhood. Since Paige now attends elementary school, she's learned new ways to torture her brother. She presented him with this drawing and teased him about his 4 year-old love life. By her tone of voice, Isaac could tell he was being insulted: "SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND! SHE'S JUST MY FRIEND!," he yelled defensively.

This exchange got me thinking, though, about the good old days of arranged marriages and the cultures where they still occur. The main thing that's completely awesome about this concept (to me at least) is that I could hand-pick my future permanent sister wife. The little girl in question is the daughter of a good friend, so I'd be totally psyched if Isaac married her for real.

That way, my friend and I could sit around and drink and talk forever while we watched our adorbs little grandbabies crawl all over the carpet. This sounds a lot better than Isaac marrying for "love" (of all the bullshit) and me having to endure some stranger. I can barely deal with stranger parents on playdates! What if I had to be quasi-related to one?

No. This result is unacceptable. Fortunately, Juneau is sufficiently sheltered that if we start indoctrinating them now, these kids might never figure out that arranged marriages aren't de rigeur in America anymore. All we'd need to do is shield them from the rest of the world for the next 16 years, like in that M. Night Shyamalan movie (spoiler alert) that you think is taking place in pilgrim times, but actually Sigourney Weaver and a bunch of other history teachers set up an anachronistic, walled-in commune based on historic Williamsburg because urban Philly was too ghetto and scary for their families.

With the Zombie Apocalypse just around the corner, doing something similar along the rugged coastline of Southeast Alaska might not be so hard after all.

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