Wednesday, November 12, 2014


God forbid I ever suffer a debilitating medical condition that requires me to wear a catheter at all times. That said, I'd be lying if I failed to admit that I wish there was some way to evacuate my bladder that did not require hoisting my kesiter out of bed to pee in the middle of the night. 

I can't count the number of camping trips I've been on (especially in winter) when the thought of leaving my sleeping bag at 3:00 a.m. to discharge the six alcoholic beverages I consumed four hours ago seems like literally the worst thing imaginable. I'd also be lying if I said I don't have the same thought at least once a night in my regular bed, with far less alcohol involved, and with a flush toilet a mere six feet away. 

That's why having a catheter during knee surgery and my two C-sections was so awesome. My body's renal function was entirely accommodated while I lay there on an intravenous morphine drip, drifting away on cloud opioid. Obviously,this is not a good state to be in on any sort of permanent basis. But I consciously enjoyed it while it was happening, and wished there was some non-medicalized way to replicate it in the ordinary course of a healthy life. 

In addition to camping trips, long car rides and intense work projects would no longer be interrupted by the inner monologue of "should-I-or-shouldn't-I procrastinate-urinating-at-this-particular-moment." And until someone invents the right device, I'm unwilling to do what that psycho stalker NASA astronaut did a few years back, and wear a Depends while racing across the interstate to kidnap and assault her part time astronaut side-piece and his other girlfriend, a female air force captain who presumably was not prone to donning adult diapers for stalking purposes. (If you don't believe me or if you've forgotten, see:, aka the most committed stalker ever. Respect).

I recognize that this (along with Netflix's new feature that lets you chain-stream TV episodes without having to press any buttons in between) is the absolute zenith of lazy. But I guess I'm OK with that. So until a better solution arrives, someone please hand me the remote control and a bed pan.

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