Saturday, November 15, 2014

Let it Burn!

That's the best I can say for a planet that has produced "Dewitos," a Dorrito-flavored version of Mountain Dew that apparently actually exists. (Never mind that if they sold the dust from Cool Ranch Dorritos in the spice aisle, I would buy it in bulk, dump it out on a glass coffee table, separate it out in lines with a razor blade, roll up a George Washington, shove it up my nose, and snort that shit like a 1980s bond trader.

But "Dewitos" is simply a bridge too far. The idea of savory nacho cheese flavoring reduced to liquid and joined in an unholy union with neon green (now orange) lemon-lime soda is simply too vile to imagine, much less create and market to college students and online gamers and really anyone with human organs inside their bodies.

Dewitos is the fourth horseman of the apocalypse, and I for one am getting in the saddle and riding that stallion straight to hell. Now that Dewitos is here, that means I'm free to microwave a tube of Nestle Toll House chocolate chip cookie dough, dump in a pint of Ben & Jerry's, squeeze out half a bottle of Hershey's Syup on top, and wait for the zombies while I watch the world descend into dystopian chaos around me.

Fortunately, the color of Dewitos indicates that it will make an excellent fire accelerant. Light it up Dewitos. Let the motherfucker burn!


  1. I haven't enjoyed avoiding laundry this much since I don't know when! That was AWESOME! Keep writing and posting (Have you done mudrooms yet?...Someday, I'm going to attend; I hope its the day you share!)

  2. Thanks! Actually doing mudrooms 12-9!


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