Thursday, November 6, 2014

Earth to Whole Foods: Fuck Your "Values."

The above timeless poem, titled "Values Matter," was written by the advertising agency that represents Whole Foods and that placed this ad in the "Food Issue" of The New Yorker. I think it could be improved though, so I'm gonna take a crack at a rewrite:

We're more annoyed than we ever imagined we could be
We want to know if and when the smug sanctimony will ever end.

We care about things
Aside from trying to convince ourselves
And more importantly everyone else
How totally and completely superior we are
Just because we eat quinoa at every meal.

We want Whole Foods to charge less than $10.00 for six cashews.
We want people who live in shitty neighborhoods and who aren't self righteous Patagucci yuppies with titanium bicycles and yoga mats
To be able to eat organic broccoli too once in awhile.

We want the people who shop exclusively at Whole Foods
To lay off the throttle a little bit
And stop acting like they're the only people ever to have drawn breath
In Brooklyn, San Francisco, Portland, and L.A.

The time is long overdue. Like since at least 2002.

We're part of a growing movement of regular people
Who have been priced out of the cities and neighborhoods they grew up in
Because they have a little less than $1,000 to spend
On a single trip to the grocery store.

A movement that exposes Whole Foods for what it is:
A bunch of corporate assholes
Making other corporate assholes feel better about themselves for a little while
Masquerading as a change-agent
On the order of Mahatma Gandhi.

Whose customers have the time and luxury
To care about a coffee grinder adulterated with non-organic beans.
A lot.
Enough to require the serious warning below.
Now that really says something
About "values."

1 comment:

  1. I work at whole foods and they are the worse. I am constantly talked down to, harassed, and have to hear my team leader play favorites With employees. About 4 months ago I developed depression from my work and tried to get help but nothing was done I tried to change jobs but can't I tried a suicide attempt because I could not get out of the "whole" as we call it. It is just a fancy store that tries to hide all the things going on that they don't want you to know about


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