Wednesday, May 9, 2018

You Know You Are on an In-State Alaska Airlines Flight When ...

... You can tell EXACTLY who’s getting kicked off the plane for being drunk and unruly before it even takes off.

... You’re proven right about the above within 5 minutes of noticing said drunk and unruly passenger.

... Said passenger says “you gotta be kidding,” insisting he should have been warned about the “no flying while visibly intoxicated” rule “at the bar.”

... Most of the plane is visibly intoxicated.

... A flight attendant cuts someone off from buying more booze in a stern voice.

... Two dudes in cammo won’t stop talking loudly about their fishing trip for 1.5 hours.

... Two dudes in cammo won’t stop talking loudly about their hunting trip for 1.5 hours.

... Two dudes in cammo won’t stop talking loudly about their temp work on the Slope for 1.5 hours.

... Two state workers won’t stop using the word “stakeholder groups” for 1.5 hours.

... The number of canine passengers outnumbers the humans.

... The number of watermelons, cans of Coke, and bottles of Tide in cargo outnumbers the humans and canines.

... Your plane is decidedly NOT the jewel of the fleet.

... The turbulence is cray and everyone is asleep like wut.

... Someone offers to hold a screaming baby and it’s not even weird.

... No one is taking pics out the window.

... Half the carry-ons are those big black hard cases the state gives you for field work of some kind.

... All the crosswords in the Alaska Airlines magazines are half done.

... There’s an empty can of Snus and a 3/4 eaten sleeve of McDonald’s fries in the seat pocket in front of you. Neither one is yours.

... The aft lavatory is looking a little rough around the edges.

... The whole back of the plane is a high school soccer team.

... The whole front of the plane is a high school choir group.

... First class gets a luke warm washcloth, a ceramic coffee mug, and nuts. Full stop.

... They’re out of the fruit and cheese plates, but not the tapas, thank God!

... You know one in three people on this flight by name.

... Someone’s got an Oxygen tank, face mask, or other evidence of medical tourism.

... You pretend not to see the other two, whose names you also know.

... Half the plane is wearing X-tra Tuffs.

... You score yourself a ride home from the airport before the plane lands.

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