Friday, May 4, 2018

The Brat Pack and Dirty Dancing are Now Precious Moments Figurine Collectibles and I Maybe Just Crapped My Adult Diaper

I had to double check to make sure it wasn’t fake news, and I’m both sorry and delighted to report that it’s APPARENTLY not. There really IS a Limited Edition "Precious Moments" figurine collection of the cast of the Breakfast Club AND of Baby and Johnny from Dirty Dancing. 

They could be unauthorized knockoffs, but that’s far from clear and it’s more fun to assume for the purposes of this blog post that they’re not.

For the uninitiated, Precious Moments are cute little dolls made out of porcelain, created some thirty years ago by a dude named Sam Butcher. Sam was “a man of deep personal faith and conviction,” who, when he saw his characters rendered from two-dimensional paper drawings to 3D figures, “fell to his knees and wept” over his art which “combined his heartfelt emotions with his abiding faith.”

FELL TO HIS KNEES?! WEPT?! REALLY?! This dude sounds pretty intense, does he not?! 

Anyway, these little collectibles have now found their way into every Hallmark store and octogenarian’s living room in flyover country, and indeed there is an entire park and chapel in Carthage, Missouri that you can visit. 

For real. There is a Precious Moments religious Disneyland!

There, you can see how—and this is a DIRECT quote—"Sam used his beautiful and innocent Precious Moments messengers to bring well known and loved stories from the Bible to life in dozens of murals – all hand-painted by Sam himself. From the story of creation to the promise of the resurrection, the Chapel tour guide takes guests through the many stories of God’s love for us.” 

In other words, Sam was the Leonardo da Vinci of the Midwest. The Sistine Chapel's got nothing on Sam Butcher. Of COURSE, you can also go to the gift shoppe. Not shop. SHOPPE, because God wants you to spend your money on a Baby Jesus and cherub figurine instead of insulin for your type 2 diabetes or catheters and such.

Which brings me to the Limited Edition Breakfast Club and Dirty Dancing stuff. 

Full disclosure, I could not find these on the actual Precious Moments website, I think because they were limited editions and are now out of circulation. And again, they might be knockoffs.

Regardless, I’m not sure Sam would be super psyched to have his wholesome brand associated with these two films, and I KNOW that most children of the 80s--who are not yet actually IN their 80s--do not particularly relish the thought of being the target demographic for these.

I'm not sure if Sam is aware that in the Breakfast Club, Molly Ringwald smokes a butt and applies lipstick using only her cleavage, and Judd Nelson discloses his physically abusive home life while accusing Mr. Vernon of raiding Barry Manilow's closet, and Ally Sheedy describes the perpetual girls' dilemma of being a prude if you haven't fucked a dude and a slut if you have.

But Dirty Dancing?! That seems EXTRA misaligned with Sam's piety. Surely Sam or his heirs and assigns realize that Dirty Dancing is low key about abortion, no? As in, a Jewish girl fucks P. Swayze in the Catskills all summer (we secular/reformed Jews don't prize chastity, fortunately), and Dr. Dad helps another dancer fix a back alley abortion while Baby carries a watermelon and stays out of the corner.

The worst part of all, though, is that I'm old enough for my nostalgic cultural icons to be made the subject of a Precious Moments schlock tchotchke. "What's next," asked the friend who alerted me to this treasure. "Bronzing our Doc Martens?!"

Yes, yes it is. Bronzing our knee-high Docs is what's next. That, along with a commemorative plate of Madonna's face and Billy Idol rebel yelling for Viagra and a line of fanny packs from Duran Duran and Cyndi Lauper talking about her osteoperosis and doody-yogurt.


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